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2016-06-28 - 10:02 p.m.

Oh Em Gee. I am having short girl problems tonight. And I am not a short girl. I am a magestic 5'5". But that is several feet shorter than the ceiling at my house and I have a chirping smoke detector that is driving me out of my tree.

The damned incessant chirping had been like the beating of the Tell-Tale Heart all the live long day and at some point in the afternoon, it stopped. There was a blissful absence of this jarring noise for hours, but this evening it started again so I knew I had to try to get it stopped.

I have a very tall ladder that is so long I have to carry it out of the garage and then into the front door so I can get a straight shot into the house. There's no going around any corners with this thing. I went to all the trouble of searching up a new battery and I am not even sure it is new. I couldn't find any of the ones that are mailed to me all the time for just this purpose. I suspect they are in my nephew's bug out bag. So I found a battery in a drawer that *looks* new. Here's hoping. Maaaaaybe it's good, maaaaaybe it's not.

So I set up the huge ridiculous ladder and I am scared to death to climb this thing. I don't like heights. I feel this ladder is precarious at best. Soon enough, I'm hovering up near the ceiling with this battery in hand and I suddenly realize that I don't really know how to change the battery. To make matters worse, I'm facing the wrong way. I couldn't look and reach at the same time so I did it blind. I reached back there and worked until I got the thing wrenched open and I pulled out the old battery, careful to note which way was positive and which way negative. I had to wrench myself around to see it when I jammed the battery in there. Then I closed the thing back up, and started the treacherous climb down. Second rung from the bottom, safety practically within my grasp, and I hear "CHIRP!!" I had to climb back up, take it out, put it back, waited for what seemed like a flipping eternity to make sure it was right before climbing down again, and when enough time passed that I felt sure it wouldn't go again, I started back down. Oh, I was so pleased that I apparently got it right. Whew! Back to the floor, all safe... "CHIRP!!"


I don't know if I am installing it wrong or if the battery I found was not any good. My options are to go to the store at 10:30 pm to buy new batteries and try this shit again, or listen to the chirping all damn night and call a handyman tomorrow to come replace every M Effin ragga fragga battery in the entire house, once and for all. Pardon my language. It seems like I am perpetually having a smoke detector chirping. I hate it so bad. I want to have these aggravating smoke detectors all ripped out of my house and just take my chances on being burnt up in a house fire!! Why can't these stupid little smoke detectors run off the house electricity and only use a battery during a power outage?? In my old house, the batteries lasted for fucking EVAAAARRRR. These batteries go bad about every 6 months and there are so many smoke detectors in my house. Naturally every one of these bad boys is on a different schedule, so there's a chirpfest every time I turn around. WTF?

I need to have some of my super high recessed lights replaced too. Two have blown out recently so I think I'm just going to call a handyman tomorrow. Fuck that ladder.

I've had it.

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