2016-03-15 - 4:26 p.m.
My baby daddy earned his freedom many years ago with cheating, violence, drug abuse, frequent yelling, abundant drinking to the point of unconscious puking, assorted ridiculous shenanigans you would only expect from a troubled teenager, not coming home at night, gambling away entire paychecks, a long term sexual affair with one of my 2 besties, losing 2 jobs as a result of dirty drug screens... basically everything you can do to hurt a spouse, short of murder, he did to me. He physically assaulted me once, but he really didn't mean to and it scared him more than it scared me. He shoved me and I did a spectacular back flip over the couch and landed right on the baby bump. He meant to push my shoulder, but instead I flew through the air with the greatest of ease.
Now... I wasn't perfect by a long shot. I tried to make it work for years, but when I gave up, I gave up silently. I got to the point that I didn't care about him or his feelings anymore and I didn't respect him anymore. Instead of getting help or trying to fix the marriage, I emotionally checked out. I realized that this was not what real love is and this is not what marriage is supposed to be like. In my mind, I was not his wife anymore. I thought marriage was a permanent decision and I had just chosen badly so I planned to stick with it, which did no one any favors. I eventually became totally indifferent to him and he could not hurt my feelings or even get my attention anymore. I got pretty thick skinned and cut him off sexually because it was overrrrrr.
While I was in that stage of radical indifference, I met and fell in love with the love of my life. I had no business allowing myself to fall in love while I was still legally married, even though the marriage had been so dead for a long time before I met my fast talking Philly Boy. It wasn't a physical affair but it was totally a full blown emotional affair. I fell in love with him so bad that I'm still not over it today. I did it the wrong way. It felt good and it brought me back to life in an intoxicating way that I just couldn't resist. But I was wrong. Wrong. Wrongedy wrong. And I sure did receive my big fat whopping dose of painful karma for not exiting my marriage the right way before I let myself love someone else. But I own it, I learned from it, and it is what it is.
So I sent him a message in February and asked him to please just text our girl a time or two per week to give her the warm fuzzy feeling that her father thinks about her. A daddy is really important to a girl. Instead of contacting her so she could feel good, he sent me excuses for why he can't be bothered. "It hurts too much, because I miss her so much". So I asked him to please consider her feelings above his own right now and just text "I love you" to her. Or "been thinking about you". Tell her a joke... tell her a memory you have of her... it's so easy, free, quick, and would make her feel loved. Please do it for her sake. I didn't say it sarcastically or say anything harsh at all. Though I could have written a rant to end all rants.
So he answers that with more excuses of why he doesn't make any effort whatsoever. He finds electronic communication to be "phony". He also mentioned that I don't care about his feelings and that with me, he obviously doesn't count at all, only "she" matters to me. I found it weird that he would really expect me to be concerned about his feelings when he has hurt her. Of course my concern is for my kid who has no dad. So I ask him again to please reconsider and text the daughter who is wounded by the lack of a father in her life. I pointed out that a phone call, text, letter, facebook message... are much better than nothing at all. I asked him again to please consider her feelings.
I told him she doesn't know I'm trying to get you to acknowledge her. I want her to feel loved. He writes back and tells me he won't out me for meddling in her business. And continues to not contact her.
How can it be this hard to get a fool to do the right thing?
I messaged him again, asking him if he has texted her yet. More crickets and nothingness ensues. I write again, to tell him some things about her that he doesn't know. That she is a great person. She's an awesome, well loved professional medical assistant who gives shots, does laser treatments, cuts skin tags off people and cures alopecia! That she turned out well. That she loves him, worries about his health, and fears he will die with no closure.
I message him and say "Have you texted her yet?"
More excuses. I mean, I am flummoxed about how he could possibly sleep at night and turn a cold shoulder on his kid like this, talkin' bout HIS PAIN. Very defensive, trying to justify. He blamed her, he blamed me, he blamed his own family, my folks, all 7 dwarves.. and didn't text her until ~FINALLY~ yesterday.
I HAD stopped messaging him and reached out to his second wife, whom I love and appreciate. She got it done.
During this month long process, I did get a very long rant or 5 from him about his pain. It sounds like he is still very jealous of when she was born and I focused my attention totally on her. I apologized for that, because it's true. I did totally focus on the baby and I had this weird, paranoid baby blues reaction that was a very big part of that. I didn't trust anyone with my baby except my mother, and I wasn't completely sure about her. I was very absorbed in the baby and I did the mommy thing better than I ever did anything else in my life. He was jealous of the baby and instead of reassuring him, I shamed him for being jealous of the baby. I think he is, to this day, still jealous of the baby.
I'm also totally oil to his vinegar and we should have been friends at the very most. We were so completely mismatched. I am an INTJ which means I loathe a big emotional display and stupid people. He is one big emotional display after another. He's not stupid.. but he did a lot of stupid things. I am stoic, strong, somewhat insensitive at times. When I really love, it's a done deal. But I never did love him the way a woman should love her husband. I've only been in love once and it wasn't him. I love really hard, but it's hard to tell if an INTJ loves you (or even likes you) and I realize this. I'm not the easiest person to deal with. Especially if you happen to be stupid, or you keep telling unfunny jokes, or hurt my baby in some way.
So yeah... baby daddy drama. I hope he will keep up the awesome fathering... a text message every 10 years or so.