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2015-11-11 - 10:16 a.m.

I dreamed I was in some kind of arranged marriage with a stranger. I was trying to make the most of it, trying to be nice and give it a chance. But there was, of course, a complete lack of feelings and I felt like it was weird having the shallow small talk of a stranger instead of a real connection with someone I love. The guy was nice enough. There was nothing sexual in the dream. It was just about ordinary life and how unfulfilled it is with someone where the connection isn't real.

I think this is me working it out in my subconscious that the one I know and love was not the man I thought he was and I have to either go forward alone or settle on a replacement. And the dream shows what I think of replacement love. I need love, but not badly enough to go with emergency love or replacement love. My ex has no such hang ups. I was soooo expendable and replaceable.

Yesterday I read some love letters from him from the time before and after our breakup. I read one where he was telling me how he will always love me and how he knows to the core of his soul that his vision of our life together - my hand in his - till the very end of my life (he thinks I'm going first for some reason) is true and real and supposed to happen, going to happen. His love for me could never be swayed or changed. EVARRR. The date on the letter tells me he was already preparing to shack up with Granny Thurm. It was in the works. He said that whatever happens I can just call on him and he will be by side, no matter what. He will be right there.

And yet he unfriended me, apparently for posting a funny, heavy metal birthday song on his facebook for his birthday last month. I guess Granny Thurm saw it and had a melt down or something. She is wise to restrict our friendship. She knows better than anyone what female "friends" are up to. That's how she got him, afterall. I bet he had to make some heavy duty promises to her since she knew first hand that he can be swayed to stray.

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