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2015-07-22 - 7:04 p.m.

Oh... today.


Slow work platform, intranet downtime, early shut down (for maintenance) scheduled right over the last hour of the work day making it impossible to get everything done. I needed that last hour. Oh well. Shake it off.. deep breaths...

Then later in the afternoon, I'm expecting a phone call from New Boss, the phone rings, I grab it, and it's the guy who likes to get drunk and call me to profess his drunken love for me. He was trying really hard to be upbeat and not slur his words. He wanted to tell me he has a new job. I was polite and let him tell me his news. No need to hurt his feelers. Last time we spoke I hung up on him because he was drunk and it got out of hand. I texted him later and told him not to call me. He has been laying low since then and I guess he thinks I've had time to forget that he pissed me off.

I'm a little moody today.

I was driving along to an appointment today and thinking about how much it messes with your mind to have the one thing you thought you knew for sure, shattered. Specifically, when you love someone the way I love someone and absolutely believe you are loved in return just as much and then you find out that you were expendable and easily replaced. That's such a bummer. SUCH a fucking bummer. It has changed my ability to believe real love is possible. I mean, if THAT wasn't real, can anything truly be real?

I think I am slowly working out some kind of a karmic lesson, here. It has taken me a super long time to get this far and I'm not even close to done yet, obviously. I'm not even sure what the lesson is exactly. I go back and forth between thinking "I don't need romantic love" to "I want my guy back" to "Universe, send me a new guy!"

On one hand, I have a great life, I do what I want. I am able to provide whatever I want and need. I don't have a man expecting me to deny what I think and follow his instructions instead. I have great personal freedom and that is something I value very much.

On the other hand, I am a loving person. I'm a great cook, I'm game for many fun things, I'm affectionate, and I like to give love and take care of my man. I like a companion to do things with. I have no yearnings to be a nun.

My problems are: I still love my guy and no other guy will do. This is a good old fashioned mental block. (heart block) I just can't seem to get around it. I miss my one particular guy and our special connection and I still want all the things we talked about doing together in the future. I continue to move towards these things. I'm making all of "our" dreams come true. Moving out of my home state, clearing up old problems, buying a new home, gaining new freedom by working from home, moving into a new tax bracket, traveling to Ireland together. These are all things we talked about. I've done most of them without him, except traveling to Ireland. And I'm totally doing that one too.

We also talked about using solar and wind energy to power our home someday and growing stuff and living off the grid. I still want to do that, too. I feel like we are two halves of one odd bird and now I'm only half a bird. haha. I can only fly in circles.

I must be getting better because I haven't died yet. This shit either kills you or makes you stronger, or so I've heard.

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