2015-04-28 - 10:29 a.m.
Personal message to the love of my life:
Am I the weird one? (in all seriousness) It's definitely possible, I guess. Do most people pledge their undying love and then just give up on the other person and the relationship when the inevitable rough patch comes along? Am I wrong to feel that once I've given my heart at that "forever" level that it's non-refundable and we are forever bound together in a oneness that can't be dissolved? Maybe to most people love is just a superficial in-the-moment kind of thing that you ride as long as it's fun and then you bail when it's not. I know lots of people do operate like that, but is it most people? Am I very unusual?
I took you to be my mate, my partner, my life, and my future. And I meant it. It is more than a conscious decision to stay true to my commitment to you. I just really and truly love you in a deep way that I couldn't erase even if I wanted to. I believed that you loved me that way too and that what we had was unusual and beautiful and could not be shaken. I believed that whatever happened in life, we were going to be together and we would work anything and everything out between us. You can't mess up to the point that I give up on you, because I really love you, unconditionally.
To me, it doesn't matter what went down, the only fact that truly sticks and carries is that I love you to the deepest part of my soul and I committed myself to you forever. I should have been able to fall back and know you would catch me. I should have been able to count on you not to abandon me no matter what. I should have been able to trust you.
Water under the bridge...
So now... I still love you. I still don't date. Last time you left me I gave up on you after a couple of years of grieving. I still loved you, but I believed you would never come back. But you did. You told me a lot of things about how you had loved me all along... called the other woman by my name... I was afraid of being abandoned by you, but I had to take the chance because I love you. So here we are again.
The thing that makes me think of all this right now is that I am in mourning. My family is in pain. As far as I know you haven't reached out, even to my dad, whom you said you loved. When your mother died, I knew you had been having a relationship with the other woman and you were already giving me the cold shoulder but I sent flowers and well wishes for your mother's funeral. In times like these, the bullshit falls away and the love comes through. I didn't expect flowers, but I did hope very much that you might extend some small sign of compassion.
Look, I'm always going to love you, and obviously I can't make you love me against your will. But can't you be a friend? We are supposed to be in each other's lives. Obviously, I think you were premature in leaving me and I would have liked to stay together. Aren't you uncomfortable with allowing a blockage between our energies? Doesn't that seem wrong in every way? Don't you know in your heart of hearts that we are supposed to be in each other's lives? I would like to reconnect at least as friends. Lets not spend the rest of our lives like this.
::love::
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