2015-03-09 - 12:31 a.m.
I almost wish I hadn't mentioned my daughter's eerily similar (to ours) situation because I don't want my bwah to see it and feel pointed at. But you've got to admit... it is absolutely astounding how many details are exactly repeated here. It is of interest, at the very least. So take the story for the amazing factor and don't read in any abandonment shaming. LOL.
I have really come to a better place when it comes to the past. It was definitely painful to lose you and I was very angry for a long time but I've come to view things in a bigger picture kind of way. I've been through every phase of grief possible and I tried really hard to stop loving you, stop thinking about you. I even looked up methods of getting someone out of your heart and off your mind. Needless to say, this failed miserably and I just had to accept that I will always love you whether you love me or not. This never-ending, unconditional, no-matter-what kind of love is a bitch. I've only felt it once in my life. I still love you and always will. This love requires no reciprocation. I can now just focus on the fact that my spirit loves your spirit and I ultimately want you to be happy. It would mean so much to me if you returned a mutual kind of goodwill.
I really hope you someday recognize the truth about me, that I am a good person and a harmless soul who really and truly loves you. I feel like you must know that, deep down. If you ever in life want to give me something of value, an acknowledgment of that would be a life changer for me. You meant more to me than you ever knew and it hurts me for you to think badly of me.
My father is a person who loves unconditionally and forever. No. Matter. What. I was looking for that kind of love from you. I guess I worried about not being lovable enough and feared being abandoned. Maybe I tested your limits because of that and inadvertently made it come true. Painful yes, but the heart feels what it feels I guess.
My great grandmother was widowed at 42, but she remained in love with and married to my great grandfather for the rest of her life. She never remarried because she still loved her husband. He was the only man she ever loved. So I have this family history. It's in me to love unconditionally. I am glad that I had the chance to experience real love and I don't regret you babe. I really wish I had you in my life to experience things with and I miss our deep connection so much. I miss your friendship, too. Now I shall shut up about my feelers.
On the ketogenic front: I made some lemon fat bombs today. This is super easy and it tastes like the filling from lemon ice box pie, which is my favorite kind of pie. I sometimes make a low carb buttery crumb topping to go on it, but I didn't do that today. I eat these as ice cream. Without the crumb topping, they only have a couple carbs. It's super easy. Here's how: mash up one brick of cream cheese, softened, squeeze half a lemon in it, stir in 1/4 - 1/2 cup of powdered Splenda or Swerve (to taste), and in a separate container, whip 1 cup of heavy cream and then fold that into the lemon mixture. I whip the cream very stiff so it holds up like a thick mousse when it's all combined. I dish that up into 4 small glad ware bowls that hold 1/2 cup each. Pop that in the freezer. It can be eaten just chilled or frozen, however you like it. I like it best when it is frozen around the edges but still soft in the middle. The next day it will be hard as a rock, but you can zap it in the microwave for 15 seconds or 20 and it will then be manageable and cooperative. It will be seeing things your way after that, I assure you. This is every bit as good as sherbet or ice cream. Low carb goodness.