2014-01-06 - 11:22 a.m.
My focus is now more towards the love I have for my guy, our joined destiny, and spiritual development, which has changed my perspective a lot and I think has given me the tools to avoid disaster with him the next time we are together. It doesn't help either of us for me to focus on the negative, so... upwards and onwards!
I miss my guy. Today I was frying up some pork roll, which is a Philly thing that he told me about, and I was thinking "Pork roll is delicious. I don't care if it is lips and assholes." I keep thinking about how he used to look right next to me with this hilarious look on his face. I would love for him to be here with me. Especially now that I work at home. I can stay up all kinds of late and still get plenty of sleep. We would not have the problem of me having to leave him to go to work. Life is good around here. I make a really cushy home.
I wish I could ask him some questions and get the real truth, like directly from his mind, unfiltered. I just know he can feel that our connection is different and above the ordinary. I feel like he must love me, because last time he left me, he came back and told me he never stopped loving me and thinking about me. He said he accidentally called his other girlfriend by my name. He told me things about my body that were so... meticulous in detail. He knows every nuance, every dimple, every speck. He has refused to ever tell me that he doesn't love me. I tried to get him to just say it and he couldn't, or wouldn't. If he doesn't love me, never did, was just playing me, or whatever... he could just simply say so. Or just tell me that he is not ever going to give us another try. But he doesn't do that. Therefore, I suspect he loves me still and doesn't want to burn the bridge.
This is what I will believe until and unless he tells me straight up that he is never going to be with me again and that he doesn't love me.