2014-01-05 - 4:56 p.m.
So the twin flame situation is the thing that has made me feel that only my beloved will do as a life partner for me. No one has a connection like he and I share. (Oh yes, it's still there) No one makes me laugh like he does, no one has ever fascinated me like he does, no one makes me feel safe like he does, no one made me feel appreciated like he did when he was feeling like making me feel good instead of making some other woman feel good. When he was loving and before his darkness set in, he was exactly what I wanted. I would have never traded him in for any other man. Ever. Period. Amen.
He never understood that I just wanted him for him. He always suspected I would hurt him. I just wanted his companionship, his protection, his love, his playfulness, his emotional support. I didn't need him for money, achievement, status. It has never been about that for me. I just love him. I feel like he is my other half. I love just being with him. Just spending time with him.
He began to imagine that he was failing at some success model that he thought I was holding up for him to achieve. He often told me that he was a loser and that he couldn't ever make me happy. Truth is, his presence with me gave me happiness. His support of me, his attention, his liking of me, his desire of me gave me real, irreplaceable joy. He sold himself short. He didn't trust me to know what I wanted. He thought I would eventually throw him away when he failed to live up to some imaginary standard he thought I had, and he pre-emptively bailed on me. It is a tragedy, since I loved him just as he was. He already was everything I wanted.
He never did believe that I loved him. He said back in the day that I was going to take one look at him and politely let it all fade. The fact that he was wrong about that didn't convince him that I really loved him though. You'd think if I didn't really love him and it was all a ruse, I would have gotten tired at the 1 month mark, or the 1 year mark, or the 5 year mark.. or 10... or 15. I am some kind of world class actor that I can stay in character for all these years with almost no payoff. You can't convince a person that you love them when they believe at their core that they are not lovable. He said to me once when we were talking about marriage "You're going to break my heart someday, aren't you?" No Corey, I would not have, EVER.
He showed me his vulnerability and he told me that he does not ever show that to anyone. He told me that I had the power to hurt him. Other women he's been with... didn't. He liked to say that I was perfect. He got mad at me for correcting him. I just felt like if he convinced himself I was perfect, he would be disappointed when he realized I'm just a regular imperfect person. He accused me of "having to ruin it" because I didn't just let him go on saying I was perfect without challenging it. I ADORE that he thought I was perfect. I never wanted to lose him, so I didn't want to claim perfection and have him resent later that I'm a mere mortal.
But alas... lost him anyway.
My beloved has convinced himself that our relationship was ruined by my inherent evil, my secret friendships with other men, carried out behind his back, and/or my "leaving doors open" for possible cheating at some later date. No other man has been any kind of a real threat to my beloved, because I only love him. Even now... when I could be dating and loving someone, I just can't because I only love him.
I have suffered long and hard about all this and at this point, I still love him, despite it all. I still miss him. We have lots of unfinished business and I feel absolute certainty that we will be together again. Next time we're together, if it's in this lifetime, I will make sure he knows our union is more important than little human power struggles, fights over avatars, and secret friends.
Everyone asked about you at Christmas fireworks. I mean, EVERYONE. It was ridonkulous. You missed a great one, too. Uncle E did some weird stuff that I want to tell you about. Let's talk soon. Love you.