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2014-01-03 - 2:15 a.m.

What I've read about twin flame relationships is very similar to what I've experienced with my guy. I have always felt that there was something extra deep, extra spiritual, extra telepathic between myself and my true love. When we first met, it was absolutely electric and unlike anything I've ever felt for anyone before or since. Synchronicity occurs on the regular between us, things happen that could only be described as psychic or magical. He told me that we were one for all time, that he had known me before this life and would still be with me after it, because we are forever. All of this is what twin flames is all about, so this all looks like a perfect explanation of why our relationship has been so intense and other-worldly. I also have told him many times that he has some kind of special purpose coming in this life. I now know that this is something that is supposed to be carried out along with me. It's for both of us to do together.

Due to his faltering faith in himself, a level of depression that he suffers, his disbelief that he can be loved, and his disbelief that I could really and truly love him, along with signs from me that I was going to be unruly, rebellious, not easy to control, and often doing things he had said he would not tolerate, he got scared and ditched me, twice, and shacked up with some willing replacement. Twice. Apparently, replacing me with someone he thinks won't buck his system feels easier to him than risking hurt if he continues with me. Easy isn't always best. Feisty girls like me are worth hanging onto. It takes a strong man to handle up on a feisty woman. He used to have no doubt that he was well equipped to keep me. I miss that guy.

I understand that he is viewing the world through his temporary human eyes rather than realizing that what we are is so much more than this human experience. He is living entirely in the human experience and completely ignoring the much bigger truth of what we actually are as souls. He's focusing on the crumb and missing the whole cake. If he ever allows himself to grow spiritually in this incarnation, he will see who I am to him and who we are together and he will know he messed up. Hopefully, he will make it right. It isn't like him to ever admit that he made a mistake or did anything wrong, but if he becomes enlightened he will develop that kind of maturity. I shouldn't sweat it, because if he doesn't develop, he would only bring more pain and continued misery for me. If he does develop, he will understand that I'm his destiny and we can get back to this life of ours. Once I know he is enlightened I may even be able to trust him not to run off with another woman. O.o

I miss him very much and I feel that we definitely, certainly, without a shred of doubt do have a destiny together and we do belong together. He is mine and I am his. It is hard for me to wait. I am annoyed that I am without him while he wastes our time.

I could give up on it for this incarnation, knowing we will hook up again after he finally remembers what we are supposed to be doing. But I also know that in order for me to ever get any relief from this pain I live in, I would have to somehow clear him out of the sacred spot in my life that is reserved for him, my beloved. I don't even begin to know how to get over it or move on. I'm not attracted to anyone else. I really and truly love him and only him. I don't want to give up on him. I know he is mine, but I can't make him realize anything before he is ready. I have to wait for him to realize. It's taking too long, and it's not fair to me. I wish he had the heart to care. If the roles were reversed and I knew he was loving me and missing me and needing me, I wouldn't be able to deny him. I don't understand the cruelty. I don't know how he can be so cold, especially since I know he knows I would never do anything like this to him. It makes me angry, but that is my human side that has a finite lifespan and does want to hurry up and get on with it. My soul has forever.

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