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2013-04-18 - 11:37 p.m.

I made this diary in 2005 and locked it up immediately and I used it as a ranting and moaning, bitching and wailing kind of a diary. I erased all of that recently and started over and here I am carrying on, still, almost as depressingly as before.

People who know me, for the most part, have no idea I've been gutted like a trout by a guy I trusted and that I still suffer and love him and miss him. I am great at compartmentalizing (and covering up pain). I can be happy in the moment, even when my heart is broken. I can still laugh at jokes and enjoy the other parts of my life. The only thing in my life that's messed up is my love life. Sometimes I wish I could have my memory scrubbed of him and just forget it all. Like on that Jim Carrey movie: "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". Some of the best memories of my life would be gone, and C really did bring me back to life and serve a wonderful purpose in my life. I just hoped that he was a forever person and not just there for a "reason or a season". It would be sad to lose all my wonderful memories of the good times we had together, but it would be a relief from pain and loss and sadness and just not being able to reset.

It would be great if I could think back on the good times and cherish my memories without feeling the crushing pain of his love having been just an illusion. He's so convincing when he's pledging his eternal, undying, FOREVER love. He's very good with the pretty words, not so great on the follow up.

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