2013-04-15 - 6:25 p.m.
How can you continue to miss someone for so long after they've dropped out of your life? A long ass time, apparently.
When I have something good to tell, he's the one I want to tell it to. When I cook something fanfuckintastic, he's the one I want to share it with. When I discover something delightful or wildly entertaining, he's the one I want to show it to. I really miss the conversations we used to have before he got guilty/accusatory. I want to work with him again in SL, because I have so many great ideas that really require us both. I like collaborating with him.
It's hard to live with the giant empty spot in my life where he belongs.
I feel like on one hand, he never loved me or else he couldn't possibly just turn it on and off. I *need* him in my life. Why can he just cut me off? Maybe he never really loved me.
But then on the other hand, I know he's broken and I think if he'd had more confidence in himself, if he'd had HALF the confidence in himself that I have in him, he would have moved here, married me, and helped me rule the world. He used to have that confidence when he was younger, but he has gotten more jaded and cynical and defeated over the years.
The truth is, I loved him exactly as he was. He didn't have to gut me and throw me away.