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2018-04-08 - 3:56 p.m.

A lot has happened since I last updated. My ex husband has continued to be painfully unfunny.

I made a trip to my soon to be new home community. Had a great time with my sister, found some fantastic restaurants, a very cool coffee shop, and went to the famous Fayetteville Farmer's Market where I chatted with many friendly hippies. Apparently Fayetteville is their natural habitat. I looked at houses and found one I'd like to buy. I actually found 3 I'd like to buy, but this one stood out as just right. It's so nice. It's modern and quirky and perfect. A new construction in a beautiful neighborhood with beautiful views out all the windows. There are rolling hills and behind the house are rolling pastures and mature trees under which several pretty horses roam around. It's a lovely sight. Along the side of the property, the full length, there is a tall stone wall with large columns that are about 4' x 4' around. The wall is quite tall and is the side fence for the property and also the wall leading to the entrance of the subdivision. So my house is the first house in the neighborhood. I suppose there are cons to that, but to me the pros are I get a gorgeous stone wall for a fence and there is a beautiful Rock formation and landscaped pretty thing right in front of my house to look at from the front porch and front windows. Standing in the back yard, the yard is very private. There is a tall privacy fence. The side yard between the house and the stone wall reminds me of the Secret Garden. There are several mature holly trees planted in front of the wall. It looks very nice. The back porch is twice the size of the porch I have now and it has a great pergola running the whole length. The pergola has some kind of Asian design on the corner. It's like a raised carving type thing. Such a nice touch. There is room to have a porch swing put up on each end of the pergola, so I am probably going to do that. Inside the house, the floors are hard wood. very pretty. Wonderful kitchen, thick granite, farmer's sink, high end appliances, and the island is huge and full of spacious cabinetry. There's lots of storage, gas stove, jetted tub in the master bath. Vaulted ceilings, beams, pretty fixtures, especially the lights over the island. They are gorgeous. So, I really love it, but I don't know if it will work out. The builder wants to close right away and I still have to sell my house. He won't do a contingency and I want to put all the equity from my house into the new mortgage. I could buy it and put down less, but then I am stuck with 2 mortgage payments until I sell my house. Part of me wants to do the smart thing and wait, part of me wants to damn the torpedoes and charge right on through. Oy vey. Fackinidunno.

On top of all this, I have signed up to put my house on the market and I have a shit ton of work to do all by myself. I'm overwhelmed. I expected to be overwhelmed with the hard work of it, but there is this added aspect of deep sadness about selling this beloved house. I don't like the idea of other people living in it. I hate taking my things down. The realtor says it needs to be totally sparse and impersonal, like a hotel room. She went around and told me I need to put away almost every decorative item, every family picture, etc. So as I was trying to do this, it occurred to me that when I take this stuff down, it's never going to go back up in this house that I really love so much. I feel terribly sad. I've been crying for 2 days.

I have to power through, because I have to get the hell out of here before hurricane season returns. (June - November) Last year was brutal and it played a big part in me deciding to move. I do want to move, I love where I'm going, and my family will be there. I'm going to have my daughter with me, My parents have bought a house, my sister and her kids are there, and I have a good friend who lives there. It's going to be very happy times once I get through this terrible part.

I was supposed to get a whole lot done this weekend and I have not. I did get a little done. I wanted to start showing the house next week (which is a whole nother nightmare) but I can't, because it's not ready. Thank God I keep a clean and organized house. This would be worse if I had 20 years worth of hoarder crap piled up. The realtor said my guest room and Master bed & bath and guest bath are perfect as is. My nephew's room has a lot of boxes as it is packing central, and she says all that needs to be in the garage. She wants me to hide away my foodsaver and any small appliances that go on the kitchen counter top. Apparently these things can't go on the countertop. She said my laundry room shelf where I keep sheets, blankets, pillows, etc should be bare. She said it looks like I don't have enough storage if I have things on that shelf. But... eh... the laundry shelving IS storage. And I'm using it to store sheets, blankets, pillows, etc. But she wants to see an empty shelf. So I did that and I totally organized my cabinets in the kitchen. I have to weed out the ole pantry. I'm saving my bedroom closet for later because it's going to be a bad task. I trimmed the shrubs in the front yard. Got the whole yard done front and back.

I have been entertaining thoughts of just brutally getting rid of almost everything I have just to make the move cheaper and easier. I did some research online about moving companies and got more depressed. I read 41 tips for packing up your house and got even more overwhelmed. So. Much. Work.

I'm the strong one in my family and no one checks on me to see if I'm still ok.

Spoiler alert: I'm not.

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