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2017-02-19 - 1:14 p.m.

I sat down here to work. I have so much work to do I have had fleeting thoughts of waving the white flag. I am officially overloaded. I've got a good day's worth of work on my side job and probably 2 days worth on the main job and I need to somehow get it all done before The Walking Dead comes on tonight. Har har. Not gonna happen. I will jump in and do just the most important things. It would be swell if I could just sling it together quickly. I could, if there were room for a small percentage of error. If I slung it together as fast and hard as I could go, without worry about scrutiny, I would still have a very high accuracy rate, but there would be a small chance that it wouldn't be perfect. And that is completely unacceptable.

In addition to this shitload of work I have to do, I also need to go grocery shopping and I need to wrestle my huge Christmas tree into its tiny, infuriating container. When I took the tree down this year, I put it in my spare room because I so horribly dread cramming it in that ridiculous box it came in. Since I don't use that room, I don't see the tree, so it doesn't bother me. But the maid is coming on Tuesday and I just cannot bear the shame of her seeing the tree still in the spare room one more time. I may be able to put that off until tomorrow, but Mondays are typically insanely busy with work so I may not have time.

With all the stuff I have to do, there is no time to do anything fun.

Fun. Is that a word? I kind of vaguely remember ... fun? fud? flurb? Something like that.

Here's my dilemma: On one hand, I feel like I should get out and date or at least get out more socially if not particularly romantically. However, I'm a hermit. I don't do much socially anymore and increasingly I don't want to do anything. I don't know whether I want to deal with... eh... anyone whatsoever. I have lonely times, and I sometimes feel sad that I don't have a companion. BUT... I also like my solitude, and I remember a lot of miserable crap goes along with relationships. I don't know what I want anymore. Fackinidunno.

Also, I bitch about my workload, cause it's flipping crazy. But at the same time, I do 2 whole full time jobs simultaneously. I get two entire incomes. One goes straight in the bank. I get a certain amount of joy from that. I know that is... not good. It's too Scrooge McDuckish. One should not be overly focused on money and "that which goes the way of all things". People are more important than material possessions. But material things is what I can make happen right now. I look around this house and see that I provided it all myself and that makes me feel good. I am completely out of balance. I *think* I would be happier if I had a husband who made as much as one of my jobs and I could do one job instead of two. But I'm not entirely sure this is true of me. Because it has been my experience that I have very little ability to be a partner. I'm too alpha.

I wish I could find someone that I could tolerate. (haha. funny, and yet...) Someone smart and witty... (not mentally ill would be a major bonus) Someone who likes me and thinks I am pretty good the way I am. I don't need guidance, just companionship. Men always seem to think their role is to instruct. I cannot tolerate a very controlling mate. I'd like a good guy who does the right thing even when no one is looking. Someone who is confident enough to not be overly smothering. Someone who is fascinating and fun to be with.

Is that too much to hope for?

On the other hand, I am not truly open to... anything relationship-oriented whatsoever. I can't get peace about it. I don't really fully know if I even want it. I guess it's not time. I guess I should just focus on doing what I'm doing until I accomplish this big thing I'm mostly unaware of. I mean, I am doing a thing. I'm doing a big thing that costs a lot of money and I don't know what that thing is yet. I go almost totally on intuition. I held onto a house in Louisiana for years that I didn't really want, because I couldn't figure out what I should do with it. Then I accidentally found this house and bought it. The old house took care of itself. When I needed the money to buy this house, I sold that other one. Buying this house was one of the best moves I've ever made, financially. I got a spectacular deal on it and then the value went up hugely. It is worth almost twice what I paid for it because of the rapidly rising values in my neighborhood. I will use the equity to buy the next place. If you read here regularly, you know that I don't really know where in the country that next place is going to be.

I could go on all day talking about the possibilities of what I have considered doing. Buying real estate in Colorado, the Ozarks, the town where my family lives. Buying a franchise, investing heavily in pot stocks, going on a sabbatical. Joining the gym and training like I'm going to competition. (I never will go to competition.) I just don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life but I feel like something is underway. I am doing the fund raising part right now.

Time will tell I guess.

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