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2017-02-16 - 9:47 a.m.

My sleep was wrecked last night. First, I fell asleep sitting up, watching TV. (I hate when that happens.) I was dozed off, but still hearing the TV. I didn't get into any good sleep. I got up at 3 am and went to bed. Then, my older dog decided it was time to get up a full hour before time for the alarm. This means he has to do his business but I can't just let him out and go back to bed because he is a delicate princess and must have an audience to poo. He must be let back in immediately, or else there will be noisy Hell to pay. If I am awake for more than a couple of minutes, there's no going back to sleep. So I was just robbed of my last hour. Thanks, Pal.

My formerly liked boss has lost her damn mind as I have previously mentioned. Her impossible standards for the newbies has rendered our department a ghost town so the work is split among us seasoned pros. I have 2 of the biggest, busiest hospitals with the highest turnover rates for patients. This gives me a ridiculous pile of work to do each day and on top of that, if I miss even 1 thing and it comes to light, Miss Crazy-Pants might just write me up. So she demands an impossible amount of work done at the speed of light with perfect results. Perfect. Results. No pressure there.

Meanwhile, the side job is just flowing along. That bunch is so easy going. No one is even checking to see if I'm doing it right. I go way back with these people. The only downside to working with them is that they are kind of unreliable. I have considered asking them if they'd like to raise my salary, give me benefits and get me on a full time basis, but I've known them to suddenly close hospitals and lay people off. I can't be sure I would still have a job going forward so I am very hesitant to give up my main job. I wonder if the Universe is trying to tell me to quit the main job and have an easier work life. I could do this side job and add a little easy side work to that and make as much money as I make now without doing nearly as many hours of work. That is something I will certainly try if my formerly liked boss snatches the rug out from under me.

Otherwise in my life, I have been struggling to put my feelings away concerning the one I loved and lost. One minute I am kicking myself for loving him at all, and the next I'm crying because he is gone. I knew he was going to be trouble when I met him. He was the absolute worst kind of trouble with long periods of pure bliss in between. When he was not having a crazy spell, we were like 2 peas in a pod. We didn't fight at all. I genuinely adored him and he seemed to genuinely adore me. But about once every 5 years, he would flip out and imagine things that just were not true. He'd become jealous and dark and his accusations were so insane I literally thought I was being punked.

I left the house for 20 minutes one time to pick up his Christmas gift and when I came back he was mad at me and convinced that I had met up with an acquaintance that I had not seen or heard from in over 3 years and had a "quickie". This acquaintance was not someone I had any kind of relationship with or anything. He just pulled this accusation out of his ass, randomly. I wasn't gone long enough to go to a secret and private destination and carry out a quickie. Plus, I'm not a whore and I don't do things like that. I could list numerous insane accusations similar to this one. He presented these wackadoodle theories of his as if they were perfectly credible.

We broke up one time because he spontaneously became convinced that deep down inside, I wanted my ex husband back. Nothing could have been farther from the truth. There's no set of circumstances under which I would ever want my ex husband back. So my boy went back to Philly and told his family he had proposed to me and I turned him down. This was entirely false. I only learned of this after he died. His sister told me that they were all surprised that we went back together after I had refused his marriage proposal.

For many reasons, I do think that he was a narcissist. Loved him anyway. For I am a dummy. Ha

But now, he is gone. Of all the scenarios I ever thought would happen, him dying tragically at 41 was not one of them. It has blown my doors off and I am trying to get over it. I wish I could just forget it all. How nice it would be if I could stop an emotion on a dime and banish it once there is no hope for the situation. If I could have, I would have stopped loving him after the first crazy spell.

In Other News: I won a silver and diamond bracelet! I have a long history of being a lucky duck for contests. I win stuff. I have won a trip to Paris for two, airfare, lodging at a 5 star hotel, and spending cash! I was trying to win some luggage and got the grand prize. I won $300 in a drawing at a grocery store, I won $500 from the lottery once, I won a huge package of prizes from my local community website that included $250 worth of hair cut & color, spa services including massages and facials, a goodie basket, fitness bootcamp, organization services, and some other stuff I can't remember now. It was over $1000 in prizes. So for this contest I was trying to get a $100 gift card to a steak house. Messed around and won the biggest prize - again! I'm not even a serious contester. Some people practically enter contests as a job. I just seem to have uncanny luck at winning stuff in random drawings. The time I won the $500 from the lottery, I was at the mall and there were 10 big barrels turning continuously with cards inside that people filled out. I filled out only one card and entered the contest. I just knew I was going to win. It was like... a certainty I had. I could just feel it. I told the people I was with that I was going to win. They thought it was wishful thinking, I'm sure, but I really and truly knew - like a psychic premonition - that I was going to win. And then I did.

Why don't I buy lottery tickets, you say??? Seriously, I need to start playing the lottery.

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