2016-09-02 - 1:16 a.m.
I've been scarce lately for two reasons: I don't want to write depressing shit and I've been in job stress hell.
There have been a couple times when I tried to write and didn't have a thing to say except something really depressing. I am getting better though. I have my moments of joy. I'm normally pretty resilient, but this has been a rough stretch.
Update on the work sitch: I tried to work the week after the funeral and my brain was scrambled to the point that I was making mistakes and when that distressing fact came to light, I discovered that it looked like a chimp had done my job for a few days. What a surreal experience. I've always been able to trust my mind but this was like the porch light was on and nobody was home for about a week.
Naturally, my annual review happened while my brain was MIA and my boss observed that I was temporarily insane. I later found out that she decided to monitor me without me knowing it for several weeks, because the work I do is pretty precise and important for the financial well being of my company. My boss wisely wanted to make sure that I was ok and doing my work correctly. Luckily, by the time I found out they were looking, they were almost done monitoring me and I had not missed anything else. I am hoping they will stop tracking me now, but it is possible they will keep it up another month. I hope not. It slows me down, because I feel like I have to be hyper-vigilant.
It has been very stressful, because it delays my turnaround time and makes me feel like a failure. I am very keen to get done with this monitoring so I can be in the clear for another year.
I am so beyond delighted that this will be a long weekend. I reeeeally need a nice long weekend. If they decide to monitor me in September, I'm going to try to take a week off during the month. I don't need this stress in my life right now.
I'm happy about a long weekend and I'm happy to be in my house by myself, with no semi-permanent house guests around. I love my nephew and it was nice to see him last weekend, but I am really enjoying my alone time right now. Almost to an unhealthy degree. I'm just comforted by the solitude and not having to deal with anyone. I am happy in the simplicity of it. Just me and my 2 little dogs. My grocery bill is almost nothing. I only cook if I want to. Tonight I wanted to.. so I sliced up one chicken breast, some fresh broccoli, water chestnuts, half a purple onion, and some fresh garlic and made a stir fry which I had over "Miracle Rice" which is made of some kind of sea vegetable. It is stinky when you first open the package, but if you soak it in water for a bit and rinse it well, all that goes away. Then it is like tofu, in that it will take up flavors and doesn't have a flavor of its own. I drained mine really well and stir fired it with butter, garlic and powdered chicken bullion and it was great. It has zero carbs or calories, which is amazing. I didn't care for miracle noodles with spaghetti sauce, because the texture wasn't right, but those noodles would be fine in an Asian stir fry. It was a nice dinner.
Sometimes for dinner I eat just a wedge of purple cabbage, sliced into thin ribbons, with a dressing of mayo, lime juice, a few drops of sweetener, and some ancho sauce. It makes a spicy, flavorful slaw. Talk about a cheap dinner! Sometimes I have a little rotisserie chicken with that. I'm being really strict with my low carb regimen because my blood sugar has been out of sight since my ordeal started. Grief and stress apparently causes that. I've been taking meds and eating almost no carbs and still it's twice as high as it should be. It was 3 times as high as it should be, so I'm going in the right direction now.
I need to go to bed. I let both dogs sleep in my bed last night and I couldn't move. They were on each side of me, hemming me in to one spot. Good grief, it's almost 2 am. I must snooze.