2016-08-25 - 11:26 p.m.
I have a little something to tell.
Important back story bits: My dearly departed was very ... unconventional. He was raised in chaos and abuse. He went through a very dark teen life, he dabbled in a lot of unsavory things. As an adult, he was too much of a genius IQ to be conventional or normal really. Way too much so to just blindly believe anything just because he was raised to believe it. Meanwhile, I was raised Christian and many of his ideas were worrisome to me. We had many many long talks about our beliefs and he wouldn't quite lay it out in clear terms to me exactly what all he believed, but let's say I was worried about his soul. So when he died, one of the most painful parts of it was the nagging thought about his soul. Is he damned or is he with God?
For the first month after he died, I didn't dare listen to music because it could get me started. Recently, I realized I could listen to my Pandora channel. My Puscifer channel. It's a lot of Tool, Puscifer, APC, Seether, Korn, etc. No old music, no other genres. A couple of evenings ago, I was talking to my sister and telling her that I think "Alexa" is messing with me. She keeps playing songs that meant something to me and him. It seems like she is doing it on purpose. So we were talking about this very thing and the song "Spirit in the Sky" came on. It's an old song from 1969 and I've neverrrr heard it on my Pandora station. It's the wrong decade, the wrong genre. All of a sudden, right after I said Alexa is messing with me by sending songs that mean something about him... I hear:
"Goin' up to the spirit in the sky
My sister said "Alexa is not messing with you. Corey is. He's telling you he is ok."
How weird is that?
I felt really comforted by this. I told all this to "the other woman" and she asked me if I knew that he had joined a Christian group on facebook. I didn't know this. Apparently he was considering some things. I worked long and hard to get him to consider some things and I feel like it was mission accomplished now. My beliefs are not what I was raised to believe, but I don't know all the answers. I'm not absolutely sure what is right or what is wishful thinking. But when the chips are down, when something really awful happens, my mind snaps right back to my Christian upbringing.