2016-08-22 - 11:09 a.m.
I have turned a corner in the grieving process. I'm still sad, I still cry at least once a day, but I feel stronger. I am able to put it aside while I do a task. I am thinking through (and talking out loud) about the fact that I loved him tremendously and he came into my life at a time when I really needed him. He made very important changes in my life and in my way of thinking that really contributed a lot to who I am today. He was in my life for a specific reason. He was one of those seasonal people that I wanted so badly to be a forever person. He presented himself as a forever. He convinced me he was forever. But he was temporary. He was not capable of loving unconditionally and he was troubled. He straight up did me wrong more than once. He brought me my highest highs and my lowest lows. He has broken my heart terribly 3 times. If he had lived longer, he would have broken my heart a 4th time, a 5th, who knows how many times? Because I would have never stopped loving him and giving him another shot at my heart. I've written people off for much less. The difference here is I truly loved him. So I did the best I could do and apparently it was his time to go. All I can do is accept it and move forward. I don't like the way it has changed the landscape of what I thought my life was going to be, but with the unemotional part of my logical brain, I know I am better off without him. He would only hurt me some more. That is not to say that I am glad on any level that he is gone. I'd take his scandalous ass back in a quick second.
So that is where I am at right now. Stronger.
I have booked my vacation. Yay me. I have paid for the lodging and it is a done deal. We will be there for 7 nights. We decided to stay a while and enjoy the place. My sister and I are going in October. That's my favorite month. I just love everything about Autumn. We are looking forward to spicy tea, pumpkins, autumn leaves, scented candles, new scenery, luxurious lodging and spa treatment.
I'm still waiting on final word from my boss about whether they are going to draw and quarter me and parade me through the streets because I made some mistakes while I was in shock after the big horrible event. ::sigh:: We shall see. I hope she goes easy on me. At most, they will put me through some kind of horrible hassle for 30 days. I think. I hope they don't turn it into a hellish situation for me, because I've worked for this company almost 7 years and I don't want to switch. You'd think 7 years of super reliable, high performance would counter against any irrational sanctions, so here's hoping.
It's raining yet again. I'm all for it. My perpetually thirsty yard is so happy. It isn't raining enough to flood, but it is raining enough to keep my lawn watered nicely, so I am very pleased.
Life just keeps on rolling.