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2016-08-14 - 1:32 p.m.

I'm struggling.

I feel very restless and impatient about moving past this feeling. I guess some time will have to pass before I can lift out of this. It's weird for me to stay down because I am a naturally "up" kind of person. I have processed all the other deaths normally but this one is different. This one should not have happened. (not that any of the others should have) This one changes my whole future. This one moved my cheese. This one changes my expectations about my entire future. This one involves unfinished business and hurt feelings. And regrets. Plenty of regrets. I think that is what makes it so hard to process. Plus I loved him so much and felt like he was my other half. Whatever asshole moves he made, I loved him. I fully expected him to come back around and us to reconcile as we always did before. For him to be dead now totally changes what my life was going to be and it reaches into every aspect of my life.

Eckhart Tolle says that misery comes from not accepting "what is". From struggling against the way things are. I guess my mind is still trying to make this not so and there is just no changing it. All I can do, ultimately, is accept it and I haven't been able to do that yet. Easier said than done. I'm still having the startling realization that he has died. I just cannot believe it. I am literally startled by it about 3 or 4 times a day.

I need a distraction. I reeeeeally need a distraction.

To make matters worse, I went back to work too soon, while I was still in shock and out of my mind with grief. I thought I could throw myself into work and blot it out. Unfortunately, I made mistakes and as wonderful fortune would have it, my boss picked this month to have my work reviewed. They found 3 mistakes all made on the first day back to work. I've since gone back and looked and found another case where I just inexplicably missed a couple of things. Like... beyond a normal mistake. I was apparently completely mentally vacant that day. So I explained to my boss what was going on and I haven't heard back anything more. I am hoping she will decide to just scrap my annual review at this time and give me a month or so to regroup, and then review me. I don't think anything too terrible will happen, especially given the circumstances. It would really be very unfair to penalize me for this and she hasn't shown herself to be an unfair boss so far. Even so, this is troubling to me and I don't need one more iota of stress on me right now.

Can't do grief and job stress at the same time.

I think once I find out what is going to happen there, I can relax and will be immediately improved in my state of mind.

I hate the way I feel right now. I need to find something positive to focus on.

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