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2016-08-11 - 10:51 a.m.

In this new set of circumstances that I have been hit with, I found myself unable to contemplate hosting my nephew this fall. I hope he can understand and not feel hurt, rejected, or mad at me for not wanting to have a full time house guest this fall. I just can't right now. I really need the privacy for me and my new boo, the babadook.

I love my nephew very much, but I have no fight in me at all right now. I have no ability to handle finding jello on the wall, jam explosions in the fridge, guest bathroom constantly wet. I don't feel like cooking, and when he is here I feel responsible for his meals. I can't tolerate having to know about his sex life. I don't want to see his sweet little girlfriend who can't face the fact that he is just not that into her. I feel guilty every time I see her, because I KNOW. I might let him come back after the next term, but I can't even decide that. Really, I need to not make any decisions for a long while, because clearly, I cannot be trusted to make good decisions. I need to have smooth easy sailing for awhile. I can't argue, I can't be pushed, I can't have someone in my space right now. It makes me feel kind of guilty to not have him back, but I feel so tired when I think about it. I just can't right now.

I'm sad today.

I'm tired of feeling sad but there's just no alternative. The ONE I loved, has died. The only one, ever. I guess it is crazy to hope that I can suddenly put this whole thing away and get back to the business of being happy.

This is not always going to be a sad diary. I'm going to do some scandalous stuff later. I know this, because I think I might need some torridness in my life. Ya know, to fix things. HA

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