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2016-07-31 - 11:20 a.m.

I did a little better yesterday. My best friend came over and dragged me out of the house. We went to a movie and I sat there trying not to think of the last time he and I went to a movie. I was able to be strong for my friend, but as soon as she left, I dissolved. Cause that's what ya do.... that is how grief is. The thought is always right there, ready to fuck you up.

I dreamed of him all night and the dream was that he was all around me, but I couldn't see him. In the dream, he wasn't dead, he was just out of my line of sight. I was looking for him, I wanted to put my eyes on him and read his face. He was right there... I just couldn't see him. ::sigh::

I have to put this in perspective.

Unceasing emotional pain and anguish makes a sister think about drugs and alcohol. I get it. I'm not going to do that though. I totally understand wanting to just blot it out with a substance, but I know it is healthier to just go ahead and feel it, grieve it, and wait for that day when it gets less intense... and less intense.. and no longer the first thought of the day and last thought of the night. That will come. I hope. He has been constantly in my thoughts since 1997. Whether we were together or apart, it never wavered.

My astrological chart for next year is pretty awesome. Starting in the fall of this year, I'm supposed to be having fantastic aspects all over the place, with Jupiter in my sun sign and then moving into my money house late in 2017. I'm supposed to be having a grand time of it during this whole next year.

Let's hope so.

I'm naturally contented and optimistic, so it's alien for me to be flat and miserable. My mind searches for a way to make it ok and THERE'S NO WAY TO DO THAT.

I'm having a hard day. But this too shall pass.

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