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2016-07-27 - 10:42 a.m.

I'm lost on a shaky raft in the sea of grief and the waves of pain wash over me, recede, and come back to batter me again.

I've been unable to focus, unable to eat normally, unable to sleep normally. It's really hard to keep up with my work.

Long conversations with his family members who tell me he loved me very much and who have answered questions I had are helping me... it gives me some peace.

Even longer conversations with the other woman (believe it or not) have been very comforting in some strange way. She told me I am helping her more than I know and she is also helping me. We are sister wives now. He is no longer on the planet, so we don't have to rip each others' throats out anymore.

A parting gift from my one true love: I am in ketosis. Can't really eat, so I've just been drinking Atkins shakes and eating almost no carbs. I'm fully back on track as far as that goes. I've noticed my achilles heels hurt less and I think it might be due to the lack of carbs. Inflammation reduction maybe. I don't know.

They say hindsight is 20/20. I can now see clearly what I should have done in regards to him. Of course. I have to just accept that God took him out of my life, this is what was supposed to happen, it was his time. I need to put it away. I don't see how I can do that. I'm going to attempt to just throw myself into fitness and work.

Grief is a bitch.

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