2016-07-25 - 1:23 p.m.
You know what's crazy? About 6 days before the love of my life died, I wrote an entry in here about my inherited psychic knack for knowing when someone is going to die. I've had weird things happen, like a sudden urge to write a letter or a bout of inconsolable crying... or a dream premonition. Well, I did not have the crying fit in advance, but it's been a non-stop cryfest ever since. I did however, have that dream about me and him in the virtual reality suits, being together in the ether - virtual reality - instead of in the flesh. Looking back now, that seems like a message that the physical is not the only existence. I can never be with him in the physical world again, but our connection remains. It's not enough. Xanax is not touching this pain.
I was in here writing from my hotel room at the very moment that the love of my life was crashing into a cement embankment and losing his life. He had about 24 minutes to live when I opened up the "add an entry" page. It was 11:16 my time, 12:16 his time, and he died at approximately 12:40 on July 20. I wish I had called him and woke his ass up. I think he fell asleep driving.
I'll have you know I've cried with the other woman and we are now sort of considering ourselves "sister wives". I accept that she had something with him and she accepts that I did. Of course we both consider ourselves the widow. I don't know which of us got the worst deal... what is worse? To be the one who had his physical presence, but not his whole heart and mind? Or to be the one who seemingly lost him, but knows he still watches, still loves, still reads and still facebook stalks me after all this time? I would have hated to have him with me physically if I thought he was still into someone else. But I can't say she got the worse deal, since I really needed another try, another touch, another round of love. I've never had proper closure from him. When we would talk, even after he was openly with the other woman and officially separated from me, I asked him to tell me he didn't love me. Just say it. Give me closure. If you don't love me, tell me so. And he couldn't. He left doors open for our later reconnection. He came out and told me that he wanted to leave those doors open and that he didn't want us to get to the point that we couldn't "be friends" down the road. That is how we got back together after break ups. We would "be friends" for 6 minutes and then fall back into bed.
I know that he knew there would be a time when he would be free to come back to me and not be the bad guy to her. He thought he was unlovable and that it would fail and he would be free to go. And let's face it. No matter how mad I ever got, I would have taken him back. In 2015 I wrote some entries about him wasting our time. Wasting our precious time that we could be living our great life together. I resented that he was dicking around with someone else, being stubborn while our precious time was ticking by. I actually said in an entry that we need to reconcile and get on with it before one of us dies and we lose the chance. I had an awareness that he and I were twin flames and we will meet again, but dammit I wanted more time to be together in this lifetime. And now that possibility is gone. I couldn't even fully believe this shit until I saw the newspaper reports.
I had to cry at work and hug strangers. I can't help thinking he would have gotten a kick out of my inability to keep it together and the fact that we talked about him all day long.
I cannot think straight. I haven't done myself one thing for work today and it is work avalanche Monday. I really don't need to be trying to work, but I was just "off" 3 days so I feel obligated.
I wish I could switch the grief off and just not know about this during my work hours.
I've had really good talks with his sister and my co-widow. These calls have been very validating and satisfying in that I learned some things that answered a lot of questions I had about how he presented our story to his family and I see that he continued to protect my image with his family just as I protected his image with mine. There were some bomb shells that I may talk about later. I don't know who has his computer, so who may read this when they click around in his history. This could all be discovered. I don't want to hurt anyone, including sister wife. I learned some things from his family that felt good for me to hear, but would be hurtful to her. My feelings towards her have totally changed now that she is real and not just the interloper who stole my future. haha. Sarcasm. Maybe my Xanax is kicking in.