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2016-07-22 - 12:31 p.m.

After all the terrible things I have thought, felt, and said about the other woman, I have now talked to her and she was kind to me. I've seen it happen before... multiple wives of one guy who had big time negativity between them during his life somehow come together in support when the man is taken out of the scenario. We share this grief in common. There's no man at stake anymore, there's no competition to be had. We know we both loved an imperfect guy and now he is gone. She has graciously offered to send me a lock of his hair and the write up for his funeral service.

She also gave me the details that I was too shocked to ask his sister when she was giving me the world wrecking news last night. He was having terrible issues with sleep apnea and not getting decent rest at night and he was having a little narcolepsy during the waking hours. They think he fell asleep while driving and drove into a wall, killing him instantly. I know from having been almost killed in a car wreck before that it is probably the best way to go. You feel nothing, you have no time to be scared, no time to dread, just... lights out.

He was one of those guys you just cannot imagine being dead. My brain couldn't accept the news when I heard it. I hoped it was all some kind of awful joke or something.. just anything but the truth. I now believe it. And don't believe it at the same time, because WTF?? How can this be true?

Incidentally, I am on a business trip and am supposed to be at a facility teaching people shit right now. Can't eat, can't sleep, can't stop crying. Nothing tastes good. Almost barfed trying to choke down some eggs. Had to break this news to my parents. My mother wept like one of her own babies had died. She is really sick of getting this kind of news. We have had a lot this year. My father loved him very much and I know he is feeling bad right now because he has told me so many times that he was thinking about calling Corey. He really loved him a lot. Remember, I told my parents nothing negative about him because he was troubled and we have split apart and gone back together always before, so when he disappeared I just told my folks he was fine. He was off doing his thing and I reminded them that he is a on and off kind of guy. I told them he would be back around, eventually.

As angry as I got, and as betrayed as I felt, I continued to love him with my whole heart as you know if you read here and notice I never shut up about him. Here is a true fact that might explain some things: He read this blog. I showed it to him last time he was with me here. I let him read everything I wrote the first time we split up. So this time, I knew he would come back here and read. I marked his IP address and when he started using a proxy IP so I wouldn't know he read every single word I ever wrote, his name popped up with the fake IP address. I also would sometimes text him with an enticement about my blog, or I would say "news at nine" or something and immediately, he would log in. So, knowing he was a voracious reader of my words, I sent him messages in here. I gave him my anger when I was mad, I analyzed him, I showed him my love for him, I showed him that his imaginings about me someday ceasing to love him or wanting someone other than him were dead wrong. I got to say everything I wanted to say, but there will be more that I want to say and I can say it. I think he is with me and will hear it. I know that he loved me and was as obsessed with me as I have been with him. His reasons for ending with me had a lot to do with me busting him chatting up another woman. I think that he became more and more controlling because he felt more and more like a loser. He ultimately found it easier to get with the adoring woman on the side who believed everything he said rather than having to be vulnerable with a woman who knew his failings and might expect changes that he wasn't willing or able to make. Fooled him! I would have taken him warts and all no matter what.

So he's gone. And I need to somehow find a way to put on my brave face and go to work. Awesome timing. Business trip. Professional situation. Crying at work is not an option, but how can I control this?

I cannot believe this shit. My sister was widowed in January and here I am widowed in July. I feel every bit the widow too. Our lives have paralleled a lot over the years in major events. She got a big raise, I got a matching one, I started working from home, she started working from home, salaries have kind of remained close, and now we're widowed. I would not have ever expected to follow on this one. I thought the parallel here was that she lost hers to death and I lost mine to betrayal, but no... I had to go through the whole thing.

All in all, I'd much rather have him remain on the planet.

I love you, Corey.

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