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2016-05-15 - 3:33 p.m.


My heart is not broken to shards anymore! I had this realization recently.

I fell in love with someone who worked extremely hard to convince me that he loved me without any possibility of that love everrrr changing or stopping. He loved me and wanted me not only for this life, but for the rest of forever... beyond the beyond... future lives... like... forever. So I believed it and thought that I could count on him for life. Like, I really engaged to the point it was really hard for me to wrap my head around it when he just called forever off. I was totally in love with him and I still love him every bit as much as I ever did, but I have gotten past the shock, disbelief, bargaining, anger, pitiful sadness, and I've accepted that he chose to do what he did and unless he miraculously realizes some thangs, we are over. I haven't exactly opened up the "man space" in my life because I'm apparently one of the very few people who don't just go shag whoever is DTF.

So until it strikes me that I am falling in love with someone, I will be happily single. It's very unlikely I'll fall in love with someone any time soon, since I work from home and I am a hermit. But you know... I hated marriage, I don't find myself attracted to anyone that I ever see out and about, and the one time I was really in love, he betrayed and abandoned me, twice. It hasn't worked out all that great. Romance isn't the only thing that makes life worth living. I miss my lover and companion. But I am no longer devastated.

I do miss him and would rather be friends than not be friends.

But whatever.

I will continue on fulfilling all the dreams we had together and the ones I continue to develop for myself. I will live my life exactly as it suits me because the truth is, I'm pretty happy in every other area of my life. Thank God I don't have to settle. I don't have to put up with any crap to get what I need in life like so many other women do. I was willing to put up with Lord Sothe and all his assorted crap, 'cause I loved him so much. But I've never felt that kind of love before or since and won't settle for less than the real deal just to avoid being alone. I really believed it was mutual, but that is because I am apparently stupid when it comes to love. Easily fooled, I suppose.

We can't have it all. It wouldn't be fair if I had every single thing I ever wanted, right?

I'm glad I had the experience of marriage even though it sucked SO bad. I am very happy to have been a mother. That was and always will be my best work. I still love being a mom. I'm glad I experienced real love, thanks Philly. At least I know what it feels like to truly love. I'm missing that bit about being truly loved in return and being able to just rest in the knowledge that I am loved no matter what. If I can't have that kind, I don't want any, thanks.

I took my lessons from my experience with poverty and now I am loving the absence of poverty. I had a mixed bag of experiences in college and career and I'm in a good place with that. Life is just a bunch of lessons.

Earth school. What a trip.

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