2016-02-15 - 11:31 a.m.
I wrote an entry for today and I want to interject this little story here at the beginning because it fits best here.
At my sister's house, my daughter was there and we were all visiting and all of a sudden, my daughter told my sister, all up out of the blue that her husband was probably walking around the rings of Saturn. My sister suddenly slapped her hand over her mouth and started crying. When she could talk, she said "That's what he used to say all the time... if he died first, he would be walking around the rings of Saturn". My daughter said "WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?" and I said "Hi Bro".
Also, there is a radio that stays on in the greenhouse at all times. My sister keeps putting it on a rock station and it keeps going back to the country station. He liked country music. Horrible, horrible, country music. It keeps going back to his station. That was his "man cave" out there in the greenhouse. There have been a lot of odd happenings.
Ok... on to this entry:
I'm back from my visit. We had a good time. I feel bad for my sister. She is overwhelmed with sadness and missing the one she planned to spend forever with. I know that feeling all too well. There's nothing anyone can do or say to make that any better. Time is the only thing that can ease it. She's in a mess financially, but she can dig out or bankrupt out. Either way, she is an earner, thank God. So even if she had to bail and start over, she can totally do that.
Once the terrible pain of loss eases up, she is going to rebuild her life and this time she will get to do things that SHE has always wanted to do. She can do things that matter to her. She can choose stuff. Even in her grief, she recognizes that she is going to get to be a person who chooses things according to her own preferences and planning. She calls this a "silver lining". She would much rather have her guy back and just let him choose everysinglething... but that is not an option in reality, so she will get to experience a life directed according to her own preferences. This will be a great thing for her when she is no longer crushed by grief.
I hope she doesn't get stuck in her loss. I've been stuck in mine, but my guy is still alive and we've split up and gone back together before, so I know it's possible for us to reunite and I've wanted that. That keeps the loss alive, knowing he is there and we could be together. If he had died instead, I would have had zero alternative but to get over it. So I'm hoping my sister can just process it and move on and I think she will. She lets her emotions out and that is something I've had to learn to do. It doesn't come naturally to my INTJ personality. haha
I have the hugest work avalanche going on today. I took my laptop with me this weekend so I could work from sister's house, but got absolutely nothing done. Didn't even turn on the laptop. Her internet was used up for the month. Living out in the boonies is terrible. She has zero options for internet except satellite and it sucks. I wish she would move over here where the world is.
So I have a work pile up on my main job and also on my side jobs, all my many jobs. And there's only one me. So I'd better get after it.
I slept so good in my comfy bed. Oh... one mo thang... I woke up after a dream about being cheated on. Man... that sucks whether you are awake or asleep. The perpetrator in this dream was visually my first husband, but the feeling and the circumstances were 100% Philly Boy. Every now and then I dream I'm still married to my first husband. Many times it is a conglomeration of the two. But I had discovered "he" was cheating on me with an old trollop that he had met online. (often times my dreams are very literal.) He was very self righteous and adamant that it was NOT cheating, because they were just "friends" who talked on the phone (in secret), and visited behind my back, but they didn't have sex at first so it was clearly not cheating. LOL
If that hadn't actually happened in real life I would just laugh and laugh, for it is ridiculous.
For the record, carrying on an emotional "friendship" in secret, with a person who has displayed romantic feelings towards you IS cheating. Emotional affairs are more devastating than just sex. Sex is a bodily function. Emotional engagement is the more sacred thing that gets violated. I would have rather had my guy have sex with someone but not have any feelings for her. Any day of the week. I mean, if you MUST be betrayed, much better for it to be physical than emotional.
Kind of like I suppose it is better to be the one he always thinks about for the rest of his life than the one he lays next to at night while he thinks about the one he should have been loyal to.
I guess I'm still working things out in my dreams. I think my bro-in-law's death has brought up a bunch of stuff for me.
But I'm doing ok.
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