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2016-01-29 - 11:50 a.m.

I get Psychology Today magazine (cause I'm a nerd)and last night I was reading an article about the fact that *some* people are emotionally destroyed by romantic rejection, more than normal. I'm thinking I fall into this category of unfortunate souls and this doesn't really make sense with the rest of who I am. I'm an unusually strong, stoic, and naturally contented and happy person. I'm not generally a flake who cannot get over a set back. I thought I was struggling harder than an average person because my one true love was THE one and it is terribly wrong for us to not be together while we are both alive on the planet. It's like, against nature and the universe. Plus it was so hard to fathom him being cruel to me after the way he hardcore convinced me of his unending infallible love for me.

TURNS OUT... one of the things that makes people have a really hard time with romantic rejection and loss is a childhood wound that comes from a major caregiver from early childhood suddenly not being available - temporarily even. I was a serious daddy's girl and my beloved... my daddy.. left me for a year when he had to go to war. I thought he was dead for that year and I was a 3 year old on nerve meds for my severe reaction to that. Ever since, I cannot bear for anything negative to happen to my dad or to see him leave me. Like... dad driving off is always a sad sight to me TO THIS DAY. I thought that traumatizing year was just responsible for my super attachment to my dad.

Apparently that experience in my life has screwed me up in other areas as well. haha. That is where my abandonment issues come from and my extreme pain at having to say goodbye to someone I love. So for my guy to leave me, on purpose, and not come back... his choice... put me back in the awful place of WTF pain. This rings true all through me. Maybe I can process it all since I'm aware of it and not 3 years old anymore.

I didn't know that I couldn't get over a lost love, because I'm usually the leavER, not the leavEE. I never truly loved anyone fully in a romantic sense before my Philly boy, nor after. Attraction, companionship, hanging out... not the same as THAT kind of love. I never loved the guy I married like I loved my Philly boy. So I thought my struggle was so intense because my love for him is so intense. I'm sure that is part of it, but even so, I should be able to process this loss. My sister having recently lost her husband due to his untimely death has made me think about it and compare getting left by choice to being left because somebody got dead. Talk about no closure.

So there's that. They say that once you get to the root of some psychological problem you have, you can then process it. We shall see.

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