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2016-01-16 - 2:58 a.m.

This is exhausting.

You know someone was a pill in life when every single person seems to have regrets about past dealings with that person. We loved him, but he was kind of a rascal. Just because someone dies, it doesn't make them suddenly perfect but it does make dealing with the loss more complicated.

I used to be very stoic and protective about my emotions, but I am just not the same way anymore. People can change. I no longer feel embarrassed to show my emotions. Its rather empowering to be able to roll up in a joint where you know you are gong to lose it and truly not care if you make a bit of a display.

We had the viewing this evening and oh, how I hate "the viewing". The person never looks like they did in life and I find that disturbing. I've only ever seen one corpse that looked good and it was a 42 year old guy friend, my chiropractor. He dropped dead of an aneurysm.

We have to do the funeral tomorrow. Dread. Funerals are exquisite torture for me. I have to go, of course. It's still just impossible to believe that he is dead.

I cannot believe that his mother, who is an elderly, chain-smoking, non-compliant, insulin dependent diabetic who has had 2 strokes and a heart attack is still alive while he is laying in a box at the church. Everyone thinks this is going to put her over the edge. It might. Or she might outlive us all.

I'm totally worn out from the emotional roller coaster. I am anxious to go home. Though I worry that this is when it's really going to hit my sister. When we all go home and she is alone here with one kid left, after she has been living in chaos with him and his 3 kids and her 1 kid. It's going to seem mighty quiet around here.

Must... sleep...

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