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2015-11-27 - 2:29 a.m.

This evening I had the sorry experience of falling down in slow motion down my parents' ridiculously sloped back yard hitting several body areas as I stopped, dropped, and rolled in the most spectacular fashion. I did this multi-phase landing that I'm sure would have looked like a well rehearsed skit to an audience. Mercifully, there was no audience for this shameful stunt-roll down the yard.

I was trying to walk Jax and I had him on a leash because the fooker will run off. He's so cute, no one would give him back. His leash is slightly too big and I don't know how to tighten it. So, we were headed back up to the house, climbing like mountain goats and I decided to sit on the swing at the top of the yard for a few minutes. I was holding the leash and Jax was sniffing around when suddenly, he busted a move and shucked his leash like he planned it and he started to run. I had to chase, because we saw a rabbit at the end of the yard and it would have been disaster if he'd made it to the corner. He would have hopped into the brush beyond the yard, never to be seen again. So I started to chase him and I lost my footing because it's steep right there at the top. I turned an ankle, went down on a knee, fell over onto a hip, hit my butt, rolled forward, jammed my arm, hurt my ribs, landed on a shoulder and then to add insult to injury I toppled over on my forehead. In the grass. I have a scrape on my forehead from tilling the yard with my frontal lobe. The whole thing seemed to happen in slow motion. It was like I had time to dryly think "Really? Is this how it's going to be? Oh. Nice. The forehead too. Great." Fortunately, Jax was transfixed by this masterpiece of ridiculousness and he forgot to run away so I just rolled another time to get within arms reach of the dog. Let me tell you, it ain't easy rolling uphill when you've hurt your ribs and are basically hanging upside down with feet high above head. I really outdid myself.

I brought him back in the house, stuck his ass in the carrier and went to wash up and get ready for bed. I told my folks about my fun time in the yard and my mom gave me some "Liniment". Apparently it is like some kind of potent "Icy Hot" because now my tits are on fire. I gotta tell you, this is not better. I hurt my ribs in the front, maybe even my sternum. Something hurts in there. Mom said put this stuff on it and it will help you not be so sore tomorrow. At first it was cool and nice and then it got crazy hot and it is not a good sensation.

Not digging it.

I'm going to be sore tomorrow. I'm sore now. Right now my knee, hip, ribs, shoulder, back, and forehead all hurt. And my boobs. Cause HOT.

My low back hurts. I might bitch all day tomorrow.

This debacle shall be known as the Great Turkey Day Tumble.

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