2015-10-30 - 11:46 p.m.
Sometimes I wish I could talk to the guy I love. He once told me he cannot be just friends with me because he loves me too much and it would make him crazy. We'll go with that. heh
Anyways, when I gave him my heart, it was for keeps. He's my other half and sometimes I need to talk to him. So I talk to him here.
On the lonnng journey home, the nephew opened up to me. He tends to do that. It was in the car that he confessed to me at age 7 that he felt he was a lesbian and an alcoholic. He figured he was a lesbian because he really likes girls a lot and he was an alcoholic because his dad is one and he felt he must also be one. (but he isn't, thank God).
I often wondered if all little boys need a dad as severely and obviously as he seemed to need one. He looked up to YOU so very much, C. I thought he saw you as an uncle, but on this trip he told me that he saw you as a father figure and that you taught him some things about how to be a man. He credits you, my dad, and a couple of other male role models that he sought out on his own. After he talked about your influence on him he said "There are a few men walking around in this world who have no idea the major part they played in my life."
He said that as a kid, he could tell that boys who had a dad knew some stuff that he just had no clue about. He knew he needed a fatherly influence and he sought it out. He found it in you, and he found good role models in my dad and a neighbor that used to kindly tolerate him and allow him to suck up all the mountain dew at his house and play his video games. He broke my heart a little with all this.
He also told me that if it weren't for me and my parents stepping in to raise him, he would have been screwed. He sees his moving in to my house when he was little as a rescue. He was in a bad situation at his house. Both parents were ultra wrapped up in themselves at that time. I knew he needed me, but I didn't know that he is acutely aware of all that.
He told me he has finally gotten enough of his bio dad's bullshit. He's recently came to this conclusion when he discovered that his dad would rip him off, screw him over, and use up his tuition money with no fucks to give about how much he was wrecking his own son's education and life progress. He thought his dad would honor the father/son relationship and not rip him off like he would rip off a stranger. This kid has been through some shit, trying to hang in there and believe in some shred of decency that just wasn't there in his dad. Now he gets it. And he is stuck, because he loves the asshole and cannot hate him.
I can't hate him either, because he is sick and the guy he used to be was a lovable person. It's sad all the way around.