2015-05-22 - 6:47 p.m.
Part Four
After he left me, it took a really long time for me to realize he was gone from my life, due to a gradual dwindling away, as well as his continued fervent words of love when we did speak. There was no closure given. Certainly no announcement that he was exiting the relationship. One day, I called his house and his sister answered and told me very sheepishly that he was... uh..out... with a ... friend. A family friend... um... yeah... I knew from her tone and her stammering that this was something nefarious. Later I found out he was dating that "family friend" and he moved in with her. The shocking way I found out that he was dating just gutted me.
I grieved so deeply for so long. I couldn't think about anything else. I finally found a good distraction in a virtual reality game. I had a couple of virtual reality relationships, which were good for what ailed me - loneliness. But these simulated relationships were never going to be real. I was fond of the people I spent time with in the virtual world, but it was nothing compared to my feelings for my lost love. I was way too fragile to attempt the dating scene in real life. I was still in love with the guy who left me. I messaged my guy and asked him to come join me in game, just to look around this crazy virtual world.
After a while, he did come find me. He was aloof and would not commit to anything, not even friendship. He got himself a virtual girlfriend and treated me like a buddy. He started cyber sexing some females in a role play sim and would not stop it. He told me he was not cyber sexing these females. Being a newbie in the game, he didn't yet know I could follow and watch him carrying out sex scenes while simultaneously conversing with me about how he was not sexing. I unsuccessfully tried to extort a commitment out of him by refusing to give up my virtual reality partner as long as he was carrying on with these females. He refused to give up his women, but he doesn't acknowledge that he played a role in keeping that conflict going. He did not like the fact that I had a virtual boyfriend and I certainly didn't like that he had a virtual girlfriend, 2 other side women, and a whole extra harem in the role play sims. God, we are such computer nerds.
I could write a series of novels about what all went down during this time. The struggle was real. Over time, he became angrier and more contemptuous. He had many secrets, even though he constantly accused me of crazy things (that I was not doing, but he was). We had some good times in there as well. He made an invention that made him a lot of cold hard cash. We had a virtual home and he started coming to be with me in person again. However, there were a lot of bumps along the way due to his constant accusations and the power struggle that was ever present between us.
To be honest, I hurt him with some of the things I did, like not telling him things that might make him go apeshit, struggling to keep items I'd been given and mementos that he wanted me to get rid of, trying to keep clothes and things I had bought before he came into the game. He thought there might be some lovey memories tied up in that stuff, I guess. But my bone-headed moves were mostly about digging in and refusing to knuckle under. I was trying to make him understand that he had to compromise. He was too bossy and I'm too independent to be dictated to. I thought we were going to get married and I felt like we needed to fight it out and strike a deal we could both live with. If he could have read my mind, he would have known there was never a threat to him because I've never loved any man like I love him and would never have chosen to lose him. After a long tumultuous battle of him accusing me of every vile act you can imagine, it came out that it was actually him who had a secret love interest and he was the one skyping and texting and building a love relationship secretly.
I was downright rageful when I found out about the betrayal. I said everything I felt. I ranted. I raved. I blogged. I insulted the woman who spent her evenings secretly skyping with the man I loved. He denied that this was cheating, turned his temper on me, and told me I was evil inside. He seemed very angry that I reacted to the betrayal with anger. He stopped speaking to me, because I'm evil and whatnot. Told me I'm a bad person.
I may be a bad person, but I'm also a forgiving person who cannot hold a grudge forever. I don't want to be enemies with this person I love so much. Even though he did me wrong nine ways from Sunday, there remains a deep abiding love for him. The things I said to him about love were sincere. I can't understand how a person who loves like I love, could possibly just turn it off. I don't care what transpired, at the end of it all, I love him. It doesn't change based on his actions or whether or not he returns my love. My love for him is just a fact that exists and I am quite powerless to change it.
It didn't make logical sense to me that this person who needed me so much could just now not need me. Loved me so deeply and now... no love. This person who used to call me "MINE" as if it were my name, now doesn't feel anything whatsoever for me. This person who needed the sound of my voice, who said the sound of my voice could make a man reject his God... now doesn't need my voice at all. It boggled my mind that he could be this cold and heartless, and could pull off such a cruel betrayal and still seem to believe he was the victim in the situation.
That mystery and many others have now been solved.
More to come...
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