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2015-05-20 - 6:20 p.m.

Part two

There was an aspect of magic to this great love of my life. There was this other-wordly psychic bond between us. We didn't need a telephone to call each other. We could feel each other and connect. Every now and then I meet a person that I can "tap into". I can't control this ability; can't choose my subject. It just happens or it doesn't. But when I am tapping in, I just know things about the other person. I just *know*. It's like a psychic thing. Always, the other person cannot read me, except for my guy. He was able to tap into me. I guess that was one of the biggest reasons why our union was so special to me. I didn't think I would ever have that connection with anyone else. We could talk so deeply about everything for hours on end. I was extremely happy in our relationship and it went along beautifully until we disagreed on something and couldn't resolve it.

There were warning signs during our time together. Some of them were big flashing neon signs, but I was too in love with him to allow these thoughts to go very far, especially in the early years. We had a few arguments here and there and I noticed he could really be cruel in an argument, but I thought it was just an unfortunate habit he had picked up in his violent childhood. There were a lot of things that I chalked up to that incredibly bad childhood. He described every kind of heinous abuse there is within the story of his family life growing up. I saw a documentary one time about "The Worst Neighborhood in the USA" and it was his very same neighborhood. I discounted a lot of warning signs due to this childhood trauma and I felt that he was doing well considering what he'd had to grow up in.

I observed that he had a hatred for authority and had trouble keeping jobs. He had trouble getting along with a lot of people. Even his relatives. He utterly hates some of them... even siblings. Most, if not all of his work relationships ended in animosity. He did not respect his parents. He had mostly worked off the books so he didn't have a paper trail and probably had no medicare or social security withholdings accumulated to speak of. He didn't carry proper insurance or have things in his name. His driver's license was suspended. He has an unusual presentation, in that he looks kind of like a biker. He refused to conform to societal norms for the sake of a career or anything else. His look makes him seem kind of dangerous. I found him to be threatening to others, but a teddy bear to me. This "scary to others but sweet to me" aspect was very pleasing to me, though I knew he was "problematic" and we might have a lot of trouble bringing our two lives together permanently. I'm a feisty conformer. I have my own flair but I'm going to live basically along societal norms. He was kind of a fuck the system kind of guy. He had several worrisome situations going on, such as defaulted student loans, back child support, and tax problems. I wanted him to start getting things on the up and up so we could one day marry without a lot of impossible obstacles and awful messes to clean up. I fought really hard to make a good credit rating, career, and a good name for myself. Why did I want this overwhelming heap of problems?

Because I just loved the hell out of him. I didn't want to be without him. I loved his mind, his personality, his humor, his protectiveness, and the way he made me feel. I was mesmerized by the poetic way he spoke of his love for me, his attraction to me, his need to protect me and make me HIS forever. For-fucking-ever, people. We also find the same things funny, we are similar in our love for books, bookstores, game shows, our biological clocks match, he loves animals and children and they love him, we like the same music (except he likes death metal and I don't). He's extremely smart and able to discuss all kinds of things. Endlessly fascinating to me was this beautiful fucked up man I loved.

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