2015-05-17 - 10:46 p.m.
"Never waste good suffering. Suffering without catharsis is just pain for nothing."
Directly after my relationship ended, I was in such pain that I could not think about looking for the silver lining behind this darkest of clouds. Intellectually, I knew that if you have invested your heart into loving a person who is not "all in", who will bail when times are hard, who will hurt you and not feel compassion for your pain, it is better to know this sooner rather than later so you can move on and restore yourself and maybe even find someone who is capable of truly loving you. Of course I could not find any comfort in that knowledge when the break was so acute.
As time passed, I was in a kind of agony that forced me to seek relief. I went through all 5 stages of grief, repeatedly, I twisted and turned emotionally, and eventually I realized some significant spiritual growth. Of course! Hard times and life crises push us towards spiritual growth. I have learned so much and grown by leaps and bounds. It's a shame it took this kind of misery and loss to develop this good personal progress.
By way of seeking comfort for my restless torn up heart, I've been studying the work of great teachers and great thought leaders. I've found many valuable truths in this study. It has reshaped so much about me and given me great insight into the big picture of life. When my spirit started to heal, my body did also. The spiritual growth has been going on for a long while and I continued to suffer and feel bewildered in it, even as the growth was happening. The blinders don't just come off at the start of the journey. It takes a certain amount of healing to come to the point where you can accept some of the harsher realities.
There has been this one dreaded possibility that I have tried to discount as far back as when he and I were happy together. That possibility was that he was placed with me only to serve a (spiritual) purpose in my life. I always feared that he would only be temporary. I loved him far too much and emotionally couldn't bear to part with him. I didn't want it to be true that he was only a stepping stone to my potential self. I wanted him to be my partner for the rest of my life. The notion of "us" being temporary has been too awful to contemplate, actually.
Hindsight is 20/20. Looking back, I can see that he came to my life as a result of a crying out of my spirit to the universe. I was desperately unhappy in my life and when I am in crisis mode, sometimes I do this thing that I call "laying it out for the universe". It is like a prayer where I just spill my guts to the universe. There have been a few memorable times when I laid it out for the universe and then something happened that changed my situation, immediately. This is how I met my guy. I was miserable and saw no way out. I had made up my mind to just go on as if nothing was wrong, because that is how I do... stoic and whatnot. But this one day I was laying it out for the universe and I said "I need a distraction!!!!!!". With my immaturity and lack of awareness at the time, I thought I just needed a distraction from my misery, not really a fix for it.
Almost immediately after I did my shout out to the universe, my guy showed up in my life and distracted the holy Hell out of me. He knocked me on my ass, he infuriated me immediately. He was brash and arrogant and he said totally unacceptable things! I thought he might be some kind of crazy deviant... I was totally, utterly, and completely fascinated. He was unconventional to say the least. We hit it off on some kind of cosmic level and he seemed as fascinated with me as I was with him. We spent every moment we could talking. We were far apart geographically, so it was all computer and phone. Within a very short time, I was in love like I never knew possible. It felt totally all-consuming, firey, passionate. He brought me back to life. I had been emotionally numb for a while. He pulled me out of that and made me feel alive. He resusitated my poor little heart and made me feel things I had never felt before. I now believe that this was his purpose in my life. He did a fantastic job.
He started coming to my house to be with me for stretches of time and we had this awesome sexual chemistry. We got on like a house fire and I loved the way we were together. He was playful in a way that I like. He was funny and kept me laughing. He was very protective of me and made me feel very loved. He can weave words like nobody's business and I believed every word he said. When it was good, he was everything I ever wanted.
This is the end of Part One. More to come...
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