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2015-04-06 - 1:03 p.m.

Aren't people funny? And by "funny" I mean "ridiculous and predictable", in this instance. Sometimes I just want to break it down for people on Facebook, but it would probably be seen as trolling. I have noticed a few patterns in some facebookers' posts.

We have the girl who has demonstrated her bad decision-making skills by covering herself with tacky looking, credibility busting tattoos. She's always posting memes that demonstrate that she angrily defends her poor choices and she totally has "No Ragrets". She's downright glad her arms look like a funny paper! She is proud of herself for being so very bohemian. That same girl posts plenty of memes about "Walk a mile in my shoes before you insult my terrible choices", "Don't judge me", "I can ruin myself if I want to, so there!" (paraphrased)

Then we have the morbidly obese girl constantly posting memes about how "real women have curves" (or are fat) as if somehow thin or average women are counterfeit. Her mom must believe herself to be homely, because her posts are all about "I may not be traditionally beautiful on the outside, but I am FLIPPIN GORGEOUS on the inside".

We have the hypersensitive, always angry woman who takes a lot of Facebook quizzes about what kind of storm their anger makes and what color their anger is.

There's the one who takes all the little FB quizzes that are supposed to reveal how smart you are, but in reality the questions are so damn easy I can't imagine anyone of average intelligence not scoring in the highest category. This is an ego stroker and nothing more. This same person repeatedly posts the meme where the letters are jumbled up but every soul on the planet who can read English can easily see what it says. That meme tells you that you are special and exceedingly rare if you can read it. I'd like to see one person who can't read it.

Then we have the pit bull lover who constantly posts things about pit bulls not being dangerous. Grinding that pit bull axe 24/7.

There's the Eyeore of my friend list who can turn any event into a tale of misery. Mewling for dollars is her hobby. Hinting about "no food in the house", "Toothache again", "so very sad about the death of my neighbor's uncle's best friend's cat in 1992. Still gets me down. Sometimes I just want to give up... wish I had some concert tickets. Sure would cheer me up." These posts more often than not are followed by a smiley face and a "Thanks Dad!" That poor guy should have kept it in his pants. His daughter is a 40 year old able bodied woman who is smart, capable, and a good writer. But she will not work, will not provide for herself, and she whines on FB for a living. Every time he turns around he is having to shell out again. Also, she somehow manages to afford lots and lots of concerts, restaurants, art shows, ghost tours, etc. She has some kind of vague agoraphobia-esque "illness" that keeps her from working but doesn't keep her from going out for entertainment. It's such a mystery. Poor, poor

Then we have the morally superior FB friend. (It's not me, believe it or not) I am bitching about FB posters who fit a pattern, but this one particular hypocritical friend bitches about everyone daily on the public forum and is always unfriending people he finds morally deficient, even though his married ass has propositioned me more times that I can even count. He's very holy indeed. Good segue into....

The super-religious! Many of my relatives are this one. I originally made an account just for keeping up with family. As a result, I miss many opportunities to crack hilarious off color jokes and bring the unvarnished truth to the masses. I really should make a new account and not friend any relatives.

There's the hater baiters who like to throw out something infuriating and cause a 97 comment battle, complete with death threats and unfriending. I actually find this one pretty entertaining, though I cringe sometimes at the discomfort of it all.

My favorite hater baiter has a funny old lady that got infuriated and unfriended him, but then she continued to lurk and comment on everything thing he says because she can still see his comments through their shared friends. She gets so undone over the things he says. It's really hilarious.

There's my cousin who has led a life the rest of us are embarrassed about. When she is not drinking and drugging and generally wreaking havoc, she is preaching and scolding others about not being a good parent...Christian... friend... you name it. If I were her, I think I'd just ... not. I'd be worried someone would start naming off things I did back in the day.

Have you noticed that when there is a quiz about whether or not you are a psychopath or some other kind of crazy, people seem to *hope* they are shown to be crazy? What kind of messed up psychology is that? I would assume it is about not wanting to be ordinary. People want to seem outrageous and unique in some way.

It's sociologically interesting to me that you can identify people's favorite axes to grind and see so much about them by the things they are willing to post on the interwebs. I'm a people watcher and this fascinates me. I think, overall, most of these patterns show the same thing. Basically, people just want to feel some kind of validation. People feel validated when they see a meme that speaks their viewpoint so they post it in an effort to show the world that they are right. People want to feel like they are unique and special. And then there are a few who have turned facebooking into a panhandling enterprise. I think the panhandler on my friend list would be appalled to know that this is how she is coming off.

I should go post a meme that says "Shoulda been working... but wasn't." I have a lot to do today.

Status of Rant: Over.

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