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2015-03-23 - 2:15 p.m.

Today is a beautiful spring day. The back door is wide open so the pups can run in and out at their whim. The temp is perfect, in the low 70s, just as God intended. The sun is shining and all is well.

Hey person that I talk to directly when I'm writing in this blog... I keep thinking of you and me... doin stuff. Aaaaaall kinds of stuff. You stay on my mind. I bet I'm on your mind too, at least some of the time. I would hope that its not possible for a relationship to be EVERYTHING to one party and nothing at all to the other.

Yesterday I was thinking of you while driving through the same spot where you said "Byyyyye treeeeees" because you liked the crepe myrtles that line the entrance to my neighborhood and it was almost time for you to go back to Philly. I remember you telling me that I needed to start making some mental pictures here because you thought I would be moving back to a town I didn't want to live in and would miss my pretty little suburb. (Surprise! Bought a house and stayed.) Little did I know, I needed to be making mental pictures of YOU in this place with me. And I was, as it happens. I made plenty of mental pictures of the only man I've ever really loved.

I wasn't with you for the reasons you think a woman normally stays with a man. I didn't want you for a meal ticket, for status, for the things you could do for me, for a fancy career, for you to do chores for me, or for material things. I was with you because of pure unadulterated love. I was with you because I find you fascinating, protective, funny, lovable, and smart. I loved the way you had every single millimeter of me deliciously memorized. I loved that you loved so many intricate details about me. I loved that you wanted to see me as perfect. I loved that you yelled out answers to cash cab questions. I loved the way we could engage with each other or do our own things together in the same space without smothering each other. I loved how much Dexter loved you. I loved how sweet you were to my family. I loved that sweet childlike quality that you possess but don't show very often. I loved that you were scary to other people but a teddy bear to me. I loved when you called me "MINE". I loved when you kissed my neck and shoulders. I loved how safe I felt when you were with me. I loved just being with you around the house. I miss sharing my life with you and I miss your friendship. I miss Ralphie.

I still collect topics over the day that I want to discuss with you. You probably still see butterflies when you close your eyes... or whatever else I am transmitting to you at the time. I still want to tell you when I see something amazing or when anything happens worth sharing, you're the one I want to tell. Sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't have ever found the path to health if we had been together during this time, so it was necessary for me to go and find it for us both. Sometimes there is a higher reason for things than what we can see or imagine at the time.

I never walk out of a store on a cold clear night without thinking of you and knowing you should be here.

I have come to see this writing as a time to commune with you, in a sense. My colors are roaming all over you when I'm writing here.

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