2014-11-13 - 12:18 p.m.
I am grateful for and proud of my inner strength. I haven't been lucky in love and I've had my share of flaws and made my share of mistakes, but I've grown so much in the past few years and I'm starting to really see the big picture. The fact is, I love this guy that I am not in a relationship with anymore. It was the hardest thing I've ever gone through, letting go of my whole-hearted belief that he was my future and that our love was real. I really loved him and I still really love him. My love for him goes deeper than pride, deeper than who wins and who loses. The details of what happened don't matter anymore because it is what it is. I love him and someday he may realize what he lost, or he won't. I can't control that or affect it in any way. The reality is, he is not in my life right now and that is his choice. I don't need his participation to love him and care about him. I'd love for him to reach out to me in friendship if nothing else, but if he doesn't, it's his choice.
I am also learning to love myself and care about my well-being. I am starting to see my value more and more. I know that I didn't deserve everything that happened to me. I know that I made choices that led me to where I am today, and chose people that weren't really available. I kept him at arms length in a sense because I was afraid... of something. Afraid of letting someone so far in that I can't protect myself. The second time around with him I was afraid he would do what he did before. And he did.
But this inner strength thing... guess what it does for you? It makes you know you are strong enough that if you love someone and they let you down... you will survive it. I won't crumble and die if someone lets me down, or doesn't love me back. This is why I will be able to love again, trust again, get betrayed again, and survive again.
My awesome physical body is dragging my formerly damaged emotional being out of the wreckage. I am manifesting perfect health for myself. I'm stronger, better, shapelier, healthier, than I've been in many years and I'm no longer sedentary or diabetic!!! I could relapse if I gained weight and ate wrong, but I'm not about to do that.
My struggle now, is making sure I get enough calories. Especially considering my exercise. I have to really think about it and make sure I eat more food early in the day. I try to space it out more evenly so my calories are not bunched up in the evening. I don't get hungry early in the day and it's hard for me to eat when I don't want to. I hate to end up a few hours before bedtime and still have 700 calories to eat for the day. That happened to me yesterday. I don't want to go too low on calories because my metabolism will slow down and try to conserve. I'm never hungry. I never miss my work out, and I don't eat any carbs to speak of. I am absolutely made of energy. Every weekend I take on some huge project. I'm a new person.
Last night I was bitching about too many calories left to eat and my nephew said "First world problems".