2014-10-30 - 10:53 a.m.
I still love my ex. My Irish guy. My big hairy white man. Still. love. him.
I will always and forever love him, no matter what the details are now or ever were in the past. Either I am delusional, or he was incredibly persuasive to the point that I have a hard time even wrapping my head around the idea that what we had wasn't real. I believed what he said to my deepest atom and the kind of love he made me believe in couldn't possibly just disappear. So if he was truthful with me, he loves me right now and can't possibly be complete with a counterfeit love replacement in my place in his life. Which could be true, since he does operate from a place of fear. (Understand that all negativity comes from fear, so anger, accusations, sneaking around behind my back all came from fear) He has never been willing (able?) to tell me that he doesn't love me. He did say a lot about always loving me no matter what. So... it could be.
Or maybe I just fell so hard for him that I am delusional and falsely think our love was the realest love that could ever be and therefore he cannot possibly move on 100% happily without me. This also could totally be the truth. I may be delusional.
I don't know. I wish I could know whether he was ever sincere. I honestly don't know how he could just act like I was nothing to him after our long term love story. I couldn't turn my back on him like that.
I should really hate his guts, but I can't because the love was real and still is.
Even with all this love life ridiculousness, I've been enjoying my life a lot lately. Part of it is my glowing, radiating, mind blowing state of HEALTH. I'm becoming a champion and it's sort of everything right now. I am enjoying work outs like when I was weight training with my dad back in the day. I have amazed myself with this. I'm loving the fitness, I'm loving my jobbie job, and I'm loving the financial benefits of this work I do. I am seeing unlimited goals achieved in my future. I'm surrounded by opportunity. I'm a natural optimist and I make things happen.
So love life is the only downfall to my current situation. It's going to take someone really special to catch my attention, if that's even possible. It's really hard for me to consider anyone new when I still love my boy. It's so ironic that he was so afraid I would someday be unfaithful and here I am after he's gone from my life and I still can't be with anyone else.