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2014-10-12 - 9:39 p.m.

I heard an interesting thing today. Elizabeth Gilbert was talking about how people think their soul mate is supposed to be a forever person but that this is not always correct. She says the soul mate is the person who provides a mirror and brings your self to your attention. They tear down your walls and call you out on things and they change you. Sometimes that relationship ends and you can go on to live your life as a better version of yourself. You move on with the lessons you've learned and the growth you got from that difficult fucker you were with.

Ok... I paraphrased. But still... I know he definitely woke me up, changed my life, made me see some things I needed to see, and served a very important purpose in my life. I do appreciate the role he played. I wanted him forever and he said he wanted me forever. But he said lots of things that didn't pan out as truth. It was so incredibly painful the way he betrayed me in the end. I loved him so completely. I just wanted us to be forever. It was incredibly hard for me to come to grips with the idea of him not being in my life anymore. It's still very hard for me and I miss him every day. I wanted to be able to know he wouldn't desert me no matter what. I wanted to trust and not be foolish for trusting. I wanted him to love me enough to fight for it and stay even if we hit hard times. The fact that he just quit on me and that he turned to another woman instead of doing the work with me makes me want to never give love another chance. I just feel like if he wasn't true, then true doesn't exist. It was very hard for me to lay myself open to someone and when I did, he crushed me.

I thought we belonged together and that our bond was like blood ties - no end to it. It was stronger than marriage and thicker than blood. I will always love him. He didn't have that for me or he never could have done the things he did.

But I digress. The point is, I thought he would always be in my life because this love is no joke. It's real to me. His love turned out to be flimsy and disposable. He showed me again that he can just quit.

I do think we're twin flames and that we belong, but maybe Elizabeth is right and the twin flame/soulmate is just here to help us rip down some walls and learn about ourselves. In other words, it was for a purpose and the purpose was achieved so that relationship had to go.

I come here to rant this shit to no one. I just have to work it out in type.

In other news... the drunk fellow wants to make me his beneficiary for his life insurance. He says he has no one and wants me to be the one who benefits if he kicks it. It's not appropriate. We are not dating, not gonna be dating. I shouldn't be on his paperwork. The few people I've told have freaked out and said this is weird and crazy. I guess he is trying to put me into his life in some long lasting way. I feel compassion for him, and I feel sorry that he has no family, no people to love him. Even so, I can't be that person. I would have to sacrifice my life and make myself miserable so he could be happy. I'm not willing to do that.

The irony doesn't escape me that I love someone who doesn't love me back while this other dude loves me and I can't return his feelings. It's kind of helping me put things in perspective. I get to see how it is to reject and to be rejected all at once. Lucky me.

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