2014-09-16 - 11:49 a.m.
One day, a couple of weeks back, I was holding my phone in my hands and looking at my facebook app when suddenly up pops a name from my past. My distant past. A guy I dated before I got married. This guy was devoted to me in a major way and has tried to contact me a few times over the years. I was married once, pregnant and married another time he inquired... and he wrote to my mom one time to ask about me. So up pops his name and he had sent me a friend request. I was curious, so I accepted.
In a nutshell, he wants to see me. He wants to get on the road right now and come see me. Joy of joys, he only lives a couple of hours away. Also, by the way, he never got over me, has always loved me, never married because there was only one person he would ever consider marrying and.... he wonders if I am married right now?
I had to gently let him know that I am not looking for a relationship and that sudden visits and/or stalker-like surprises do not make me happy. We are very different people and our lives have gone very differently. I thought he would be a great success in life, because last time I saw him, he was a young handsome cadet with a bright future ahead of him. He was always a very good, sweet, shy, do-the-right-thing kind of guy. Now, he is a disillusioned alcoholic that somehow fell off the success wagon along the way and is a complete hot mess. I don't think he missed a single deal breaker. He refers to himself as "emotionally unstable". He has an anger problem. He has fought so much, he looks like a boxer. He has some brain damage from one particularly bad ass-whoop he suffered. Drinking and drugging are his two main hobbies. He couldn't have put me off any more thoroughly if I had written the script for him.
I am currently being drunk dialed at all hours and I am the lucky recipient of all kinds of crazy messages on the voice mail. He somehow got my phone number and won't say how he got it. He also keeps commenting on how well I've done for myself and apparently he knows some things about my life. Under the drunken slurry mess is a sweet guy who holds me in very high regard. I feel bad for him, and I can hear the sweet guy he used to be under that gravelly voice, but I am not taking on another troubled soul to fix. I've had it with trying to pull someone out of the shit. I'm weary of hoping for "the sweet guy he used to be" to return. I wore out that futile hope while fervently hoping for Corey to stop being hateful and return to the sweet guy he used to be.
I would have liked to tell this old flame that I am happily taken, but my big hairy white man has buggered off and proven himself unfaithful, unloving, unreliable yet again. I placed my trust in him, twice. Got burned, twice.
Next time around, I'd like the universe to send me someone who is not wrecked. Someone basically normal, but not dull. Someone who is not perfectly enlightened yet, but who is at least in the beginnings of enlightenment. A guy who will do the right thing, even if I'm asleep in bed or otherwise not looking. Someone who has at least a normal and average amount of drive and success. Someone who operates within reality. A guy who is confident enough to handle a strong woman who is sort of independent by nature, someone who will love me and not try to control me. Someone I can love and respect and have fun with. Someone who wants to travel to Scotland and Ireland. Is that so much to ask for?
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