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2014-05-22 - 12:08 p.m.

I don't know how people turn off "love". I am unable to turn off my love for you. I was broken once before when you demonstrated your ability to just go from hot to cold, completely turning off your emotions towards me the first time you left me. When you came back to me, you claimed you never stopped loving me and you thought about me the whole time and you had called your interim girlfriend by my name. I loved you so much that I just took that as truth and believed that you had continued to love me while we were apart.

Now you've left me again and you're colder than a refrigerated rock. Apparently, you couldn't even reach out to me in compassion when you learned that my dad has been very ill and having surgery. You know what my dad means to me and you sure did seem to care about him before you started your ignorathon. I cannot believe you can't see your way clear to speak to me after all we have been to each other. Our history is 16 years long. I don't understand being able to disregard it and pretend it was nothing. Things I have read tell me that if someone can just stop all love and compassion on a dime as you have done, it's an indication that they never cared about you at all.

I don't want to believe that. All this time, I have believed that since you would not or could not voice that you no longer love me, you must still love me but you want to go forward with the replacement because she can't hurt you and she won't buck your system in any way. She will annoy the holy fuck out of you, but that is preferable to having to work out your issues with me, which ironically is the work of two people like us, who have passed the initial infatuation stage of relationship and are working through the issues that must be worked to get to the deeper and better love. I'm so sorry you bailed on me just before the dawn of the best time of our lives. You thumped yourself back down the hill to the bottom to begin again with someone new who for all her willingness to pretend, will never be me. I'm meant for you. I was ready and set to go the distance with you because when I fell in love with you, I really, truly fell in love with you. Forever is not just a word to me.

I could be totally wrong about you. You might be incapable of real love and just super good at words. Maybe you don't give one shaky fuck about me and never did. I do wish you would tell me this straight up if it is the case. I'd like to know whether you were totally playing me and I'm an extraordinarily gullible mark, or whether you love me but have chosen to go elsewhere because you can't face the vulnerability you felt when faced with a love you couldn't control with a feisty girl who kept disobeying. Or maybe you can't handle being with a woman who can't fit in where you're from. You didn't want me to ever see the ghetto. You didn't have that concern with her. You always said you wanted to leave there. I thought you wanted to go to Texas. I got us a palace in Texas. You need to come home.

Either way, I love you deeply and forever. I hope you were true, but just not strong enough. It's less hurtful than the alternative and there's hope in that because you may evolve past that. If there is love on your end, all things are possible.

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