2014-05-15 - 12:15 p.m.
I was emotionally devastated by the only man I have ever really loved. He was carrying on a secret relationship with another woman. There was late night skyping between him and her, after I'd gone to bed at night. I loved him with everything I had and was truly crushed when I found he had betrayed me. I didn't suspect a thing until I caught him texting her and then I realized all these lovey quotes I'd seen in an online profile of hers were about my man, my love, my future. I thought she was talking about some other dude. Not the love of my life. I was very hurt and angry... just beyond the beyond.
I raved and ranted my pain in this blog. I had so many things I wanted to say and so much anger about this old nanny goat he cheated on me with and about the cruelty of the whole thing. I was very angry because he hurt me very badly. I vented my spleen in this blog and said most of what I wanted him to know and then I unlocked it so he could see it. I shouldn't have let him see all my anger and misery, because he is a guy who only gets angrier. He's not a guy who sees the other person's point or feels the other person's pain. Nor does he feel that anything he did was wrong. But even though he is no doubt angry to have read my words, in a sense, I feel much, much better. Because I did get to say some things I needed to say and he did get to read it.
I think it helped me to heal some things. I'm less tortured now. The downside is that I'm sure he was filled with contempt when he read my words and feelings about what he did. He is very heavily invested in not being the one who ended it, even though he is the one who quit and walked away. I would never give up on him as long as he is willing to try. He won't even acknowledge that having a secret female friend who professes her love for him while his long term girlfriend can't know about her... is cheating. He said I was mean and vicious and ugly inside because I was so extremely angry and said some very unvarnished things that I knew would get back to her. He thinks I was mean for being fucking furious that he betrayed me. But...eh... people murder bitches for less than that. Working like a Hebrew slave to slide my man out from under me while I was unaware there was a skank on a mission? That's revenge inducing stuff. I think we're all fortunate that all I did was say some harsh stuff.
Obviously, I think I should be extended a tidbit of forgiveness. After all, you hurt me more than anyone or anything has ever hurt me.... since the last time you hurt me - which had previously held the record for most hurtful experience of my life.
Ok.... not trying to dip back into that pain. Just saying... this is what happened to me and venting my spleen in this blog for him to see cleared out some of the pain but may delay our reconciliation, since it will piss him off that I minded being deceived and replaced.
Unfortunately, my satisfaction at venting to him directly comes at a price. I don't want him to hate me and avoid me. I feel like if he ever gets over being mad, we can reconnect on some level because we are twin flames and we have this karmic bond that pulls our spirits together. I don't want to miss him for the rest of my life.
The sad thing about healing for me is that I am a forgiver. Ha. I get over the anger and once I heal a bit, I only have the love left over. I miss him like crazy all the time and want to reconnect with him. He has brought me the most pain of anyone, ever. He also brought me a bunch of good things that I remember and miss. He is supposed to be in my life. I can be beyond angry and still love someone. Once the anger and hurt heals some, I find it hard to stay mad. I have loved him for many years and love is the primary feeling I have for him. I don't want to extend the time that he is angry with me and ignoring me. I'm sure he was infuriated to read that I was angry about his actions and utterly unappreciative of the skank he replaced me with.
I'd like for him to have read what I said in this blog and viewed it with insight, realizing that it had to have been extremely hurtful for me to discover him texting and skyping with another woman. Not just any woman, but one who had been expressing her romantic interest in him for a long time. I mean, he's well aware that this is cheating in anyone's book. I wish he knew that when you really hurt someone deeply, there is a process and anger is a part of it. Rather than to be indignant and angry because I expressed my pain at being betrayed, I would have liked for him to just quietly realize inside himself that he did me wrong. I'd like him to realize that I loved him always and never would have cheated on him or left him or ever given up on him. I accepted him warts and all. I didn't try to change him and I respected his right to be who he is. I didn't demand anything of him, but faithfulness. He hurt and betrayed someone who loves him unconditionally. There was no way for him to wreck my love for him or lose me. He was wrong about me. He was wrong about me wanting to be with anyone but him. Dead wrong. I'd like him to know that, even if he never admits it to me. Know it inside yourself Corey. You traded me off, your twin flame, your "hope" as you called me. If you had come to me and been my strong and capable man, we would have weathered the storm and had ever deepening love.
I wanted you to understand that I said mean things because I was hurt, not because I am evil inside.
Beyond all the hurt and words and fights and pain, I have deep and unconditional love for you. If I could yank my love away from you I would have done it out of self preservation long, long ago. I would never have had the 2nd major heartbreak, because I would have written you off after the first time you bailed on me. I love you right this minute and I miss you all the time. Every single day you are on my mind. I guess you can't imagine being able to return to me after all you've done. You think I would be bitter and angry. You underestimate my love for you and my capacity to forgive.
The heart wants what it wants. I am hoping you allow yourself to evolve and grow. I hope you realize some things before one of us dies and my ultimate wish would be that you realize you can make things right. If I can't have that, maybe a rock will fall on my head and help me forget that I love you.