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2014-03-30 - 2:55 p.m.

My guy has a fantastic way with words. It is his most magical gift. I think his words are what made me fall in love with him. His words made me feel loved, made me feel fascination, excitement, hope for the future in all ways, not just things pertaining to me and him. He could, with words, make a migraine go away. His words made me feel safe and protected, made me feel like he would never ever leave me or betray me or unleash his unbelievably vicious temper on me. His words made me believe that he loved me so very much that he would never ever withdraw from me or let me suffer.

So... I have learned that words can be "just words". That's the short end to
the story. Sometimes a guy is full of shit, or plying you with nice words to keep getting your favor, until such time when they are wanting someone else's favor instead of yours. And then all your dreams, illusions, safety, plans, and future come crashing down around you while he showers his pretty words on the next person. I so didn't want to accept that this could be the case with the guy that I considered to be the love of my life.

I was already a notoriously poor judge of character and when you add to this my state of being totally being blinded by love... I guess there's no wonder I believed in him so strongly. He looks very sincere while he's weaving the magic.

I should have known something was missing in his feelings for me. He left me a couple of times, (when other women made it clear they were ready to lay down) and never showed any concern for my feelings whatsoever. He quits when he cannot have complete control. When there is a disagreement that can't be solved, he makes it into a do or die show-down and he will break up over something like that. Of course, I never left him. I never would have. One of the times he left me, he didn't have another woman lined up to take my place seamlessly, so within a few days he came back to me... and he actually cried (first and last time he ever let me know he cried) and admitted that he couldn't live with out me. He literally begged me to take him back. With NO hesitation, I welcomed him back with open arms, because I loved him. However many times he hurt me, I always loved him. I have the love for him that makes me feel pain if he feels pain. I would never deny him another chance. Even now, knowing he's ripped my heart out over and over, I couldn't turn him away and leave him sad and lonely. I don't want him to be hurt.

But he can certainly turn me away. When he begged me for a chance, my immediate answer was "OF COURSE, I love you". When I begged him for a chance, I got no chance. He didn't care that I loved him and felt devastated without him. He had someone else. What the hell did he need me for? He really only cares about his own feelings. It doesn't bother him that I love him, that I am alone, that I am sad with out him, that I may not be safe, that I was betrayed, that I am living a life that is supposed to be me and him together while he is over there shacking up with a fully deceived replacement.

Because his needs are met, so there is nothing more to think about for him.

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